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To: All Managers
From: V.P. Of Operations
Subj: New Training Programs.
Highly Confidential
The training committee has developed two new programs that will help us develop
our employees potential in the up coming year. This program has been approved
and is supported enthusiastically by the president of our fine company so I
expect your compliance.
Program I.
Special Continuous Retraining and Education Work
(SCREW)
Summary:
This program requires all managers to provide their employees with work that
some may consider "beneath" them. This training is designed to keep their
skills sharp on our customer technologies that have been retired or obsolete.
Although these technologies are considered CRAP (Currently Retired Appliances or
Parts) we must still continue to service this equipment and being SCREW’ed is a
good way for your staff to retain their skills sets on CRAP.
Please note that SCREWing your employees is not an option but a requirement for
your position as a manager.
Program II.
Special Human Interactive Training (SHIT)
Summary
This program requires you, as the manager, to interact one on one with
your employees, training them by example on the intricacies on human interaction. Since
our customers know us by our employees, we should always be working with our
employees, giving them as much SHIT as possible, for their betterment and for
the good of our company.
In general, when you see an employee that appears to have extra time on his or
her hands, you should give them SHIT. If you happen to meet one of your
employees in a social environment, a minute or two of SHIT may be welcome.
Be especially aware of situations where a customer has written or called to
complain about a particular employee. This employee is a prime candidate for
giving out as much SHIT as you can handle.
I
understand that giving your employees SHIT may come natural to most of you,
but for the rest, my sole advice is "Practice Makes Perfect", so if you need to,
feel free to practice on your family members.
Note: You may find that when giving some employees SHIT that they will give
you SHIT right back This is unacceptable and cannot be tolerated. You
should then SCREW them so that it is understood that you are the manager and not
them.
Conclusion
More details on these programs will be forth coming. Until then, please feel
free to SCREW your employees and give them as much SHIT as possible.
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