Ugly People

By Uncle Ralph

Part 2

These were the kids that used to laugh at us.  Now they had a problem.  They couldn't buy their own beer.  So now who hangs out with the ugly people?  A doctors son, a dentists son, the daughter of the local judge and some self important princess who moved here from Chicago.

The group there began to gather around.  There were several kids there from the neighboring town of Bangor that had no idea who these people were but they gathered around them too.  I suspected a nice fight was about to break out.  I could imagine the pounding that these people were going to get.  They looked around and knew they were in trouble.  You could see it in their faces.

Suddenly Hank snaps up and gives them the big tooth grin, hands them all a clean cup and pours them beer.  Everyone relaxed.  They sort of stood off by themselves and drank the beer and everyone else seemed to ignore them.  The music cranked up again.

Hank pulled me aside and told me to help him keep their glasses full.  So he and I became their best friends rotating their empties.  We poured them glass after glass.  I don't think anyone of them saw the bottom of their own glass.  If any of them faltered in their drinking, Hank would challenge them to a chug-a-lug, loosing gracefully.

It didn't take long to become obvious that these people were drunk.  Not just a little drunk but well on their way to sweet obliviousness.  Still Hank kept up the pressure for more.  Mick made his way to the bushes to throw up and when he returned Hank convinced him the best thing for puking was "Hair of the Dog".  And so the beer flowed.  

One after another they fell asleep or passed out.  One even declared that "he always liked me" just before passing out.  Hank gave them a few minutes then broke out the permanent marker and wrote nice little works across their faces.  Little symbols decorated their cheeks and short little words my Mama used to wash my mouth out for saying.  One of them woke up during the process but Hank just handed him a beer and told him to finish it - out he goes again.

Never one to quit at just humiliation, Hank and Mike then hoisted each one of them into a small row boat.  If one of them woke up long enough to ask what was going on, Hank just told them he was just putting them in a more comfortable place to sleep.  From there, the boat was set adrift down river.

Thinking back, that was pretty stupid.  If one of them was to fall out and drown, someone was going to go to jail.  But that didn't happen.

The Black River winds it's way through the woods, past farm land, under the railroad bridge and eventually through South Haven past the marina and into Lake Michigan.  When I was younger I used to take an inner tube and float down from Fisher's Point and get out at the draw bridge.  The trip takes two hours when the river isn't high. But we had had some rain within the last two days and the river was higher than usual.  It took just an hour and a half for that little boat to reach Lake Michigan.

The lake was calm, very little wave action.  We drove down to the south pier just in time to watch the boat pass by into the lake.  We all cheered.  The moon was just bright enough to see one of them pop their heads up and then lay it back down again.  We all waved goodbye. 

The next morning I got up at the usual Saturday time of 2 o'clock in the afternoon.  I would normally lay there for awhile in that half asleep half awake zone where your mind is free to wonder aimlessly.  Then it hit me.  I sat bolt upright.  We had just sent 6 people in a small row boat into Lake Michigan.

I skipped breakfast and drove out to Hanks trailer, finding him sitting in front of the TV eating cereal.  "Did anyone bring them in?" I asked.  He just smiles and shakes his head, "Not me." 

I look up Mick's number in the phone book and call his house.  His Mom hasn't seen him, he didn't come home last night.

Now I'm in a panic.  If the waves kick up the row boat will be swamped.  I didn't need to spend the rest of my life with the guilt of 6 dead people on me.  Hank just smiles and eats his cereal.  "They'll be alright."

Next I call the Coast Guard Station.  I give them a fictitious name and explain that we saw these six drunk people go out in a row boat last night and wanted to know if they were brought in.  They had just found them less than 5 minutes earlier and were bringing them in.  He said that they were all right, just a little cold.

They never did figure out what really happened that night.  Some one told them that they all jumped in the boat themselves.  They couldn't remember otherwise.  But the permanent marked lasted almost a week on all of their faces.

Yes I was one of the ugly people.  We did some ugly things.  But just a couple of short years latter I married the beauty queen of the neighboring town of Bangor and everything has been beautiful since. 

There is a lesson learned here.  It is:

Never accept free beer unless you're sure the person actually likes you.

Back to Part 1

Advertisements

Copyright September 2008 all rights reserved