The Christmas Party

A True Story of 2002

This years Christmas party was fun.  My cousin Ike and his lovely redheaded wife had just moved into a trailer in one of the nicer parks in town.  So they were anxious to invite us all over for large amounts of adult beverages and fun.  Nephews Brad and Matt both showed up hopping to find some new chicks this year that wouldn't turn out to be related.

Ike knows how to throw a good trailer trash party.  He bought two entire Kegs of Buckhorn and having no other place to stick it, stuffed it in the bathtub and packed it with ice.  The music was cranked up to the point that you could hear it as you pulled into the park.  You would think that the neighbors would complain but most of them were there already.

When I arrived, nephew Brad had already found his target for the night and was deep into one of those conversations where you are just an inch or two from the chicks face.  He was working his magic and it appeared to be working.  Either that or she was already too drunk to move away from him.

I the spotted the latest love of Boseefus.  A proud beauty of some heft and facial hair but not without some trailer charm.  Boseefus wasn't around yet so she appeared to be enjoying her solitude by hitting on some of the other guest. 

I had brought my very own special mug, a 32 ounce plastic wonder, and had filled it a couple of times already.  I was filling up for the third time when the shouting began.  It appears that two of Ike's new neighbors really hated each other.  I made my way up to the crowd to find out what was going on and saw these two twits throwing fist at each other.  Of course being the "Wise Old Uncle Ralph" I immediately began to take bets.

The fight ended in a draw and some broken furniture.  They both left the trailer screaming expletives at each other.  I went back to refilling my mug.

Halfway through my third mug, we started to hear the yelling over the music again.  This time from outside the trailer.  We all stepped out into the street and watched as one of the neighbors, now armed with a baseball bat, screamed at the other to "come out and try it again!"  

Not to be out done, the other neighbor emerges from his trailer armed with a shotgun.  He charges at the twit with the baseball bat causing him to run for cover. In Ike's trailer! 

The people still in the trailer rushed out the back door.  Ike stayed in and yelled at the top of his lungs to "knock it off" but it didn't help.  The two of them stood just a couple of feet apart, both of them screaming something about their parents not being married. 

The dude with the baseball bat, now trying to emphasize his rage, smashed the bat down on the coffee table breaking it in half.  Not to be out done, the dude with the shotgun fired it into the air apparently forgetting that he was in the trailer and leaving a pretty new skylight..

This is where the cops show up.  Not just one but 13 of them.  Now everyone is scattering.  Most trying to avoid having to show ID in case there was some outstanding warrant on them.  Since I know the cops so well, I decide to stay.

The cops get the two twits to drop their weapons by pointing their own guns at them, and take them away to their happy place.  Ike is really P.O.ed.  It's not that he has a big hole in his ceiling or that the party has been demolished, but because during the commotion someone stole one of the Kegs of Buckhorn.  He's yelling at at the cops that he "has rights" and wants an investigation to find that keg of beer.  He finally calms down when they threaten to haul him in for creating a public nuisance. 

So me and my old lady call it a night and head for home.  When we get there, we find Nephew Brad's Camaro in the drive.   In the trailer we find Nephew Brad and his new love swapping spit on the couch.  In the middle of the living room what should we find but the missing kegs of Buckhorn. 

I finally get to refill my prized plastic 32 ounce mug in peace.

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