SHARLENE’S NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH

 Meet Mi'Lady

Uncle Ralph often talks about his lovely beauty queen wife.  Bet you’d like to know more about her, huh?  In truth, Mi’lady really is lovely.  And she really was a beauty queen.  Her sister, too.  And her niece. 

Ralph (*)dopinions that they became queens because they had all their teeth.  I argue…with no disrespect, of course…it was because in Mi’lady’s contest there were only five eligible contestants to begin with.  Gracie What’s-Her-Name weighed neigh onto 250 pounds and was eliminated in the first round.  Cricket’s gown didn’t flatter her tattoos, while Nancy’s high soprano didn’t fool anyone it was talent.  That left the contest between Lucy and Mi’lady.  Lucy lost the judges to gigantic yawns when she prattled on about how she’d devote herself to eliminating world poverty if she were queen.  But royalty won out.  Mi’lady was a genuine queen.  She batted her baby blues, shined her pearly whites and eloquently explained that she would dedicate her reign to saving the whole world by helping one floundering soul at a time.  I think she already had an inkling she’d get stuck marrying Ralphie.  And I don’t know how he got so lucky.

Bet you want to know why we call her Mi’lady, too.  Well, what else would you call a queen?  Don’t let Uncle Ralph fool you.  She rules his trailer trash kingdom with enough wisdom to convince him he’s King.  But under her lovely countenance is a will of iron.  I once watched Ralphie plead and beg for one of her taffy apples, but she steadfastly refused. I can’t tell you why she denied him such a simple pleasure (I’m sure she had good reason), but he didn’t get even so much as a lick.  She just graciously brought him a Buckhorn and rubbed his back, still smiling. 

However, one of the most interesting things about Mi’lady is her goodness.  You don’t often find much of that in trailer trash, you know.  Mi’lady truly watches out after Ralphie’s moral character.  She cares so much she even takes time to draw clothes on the bikini-clad models in his auto racing magazines.  She’s programmed his remote control to the History Channel, and the phone to Curve Inn.  Believe me, Beefy the bartender knows to hurry Ralphie along when Mi’lady calls.  Mi’lady even cleans Ralphie up once a week and takes him to church so the local gossips can gauge whether or not their prayers are working. 

But Mi’lady’s goodness is also delightfully funny, too.  While discussing a short shopping trip at the dinner table one Sunday, the entire family stared at her in astonishment as she exclaimed, “I can’t go to a strip mall!”  We all hooped with laughter while brother Billy began a bump and grind.  Mi’lady was puzzled until Ralphie used his (*)dopinionated skills to explain that a “strip mall” didn’t mean literally strip, as in male or female strippers.  It’s really good Mi’lady also knows how to have a hearty laugh, because to this day she’s still teased about going to those sinful strip malls. I don’t think she’ll ever become one of those pinched-face Baptists.

So now you know…no matter what he tells you, Mi’lady the queen really rules Uncle Ralph’s kingdom.  It’s her regal influence that prevents me from providing you with Uncle Ralph stories your Momma wouldn’t want you to read.  

*Editors Note:   Sharlene loves to create new words.

dopinions: Meaning Dopy Opinions

dopinionated: Meaning to have Dopy Opinions

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Copyright September 2008 all rights reserved