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More Paul Bunyan

Dear Uncle Ralph,

I read your comments to Kitty this week about Paul Bunyan and how Detroit was created.  Then while meditating on the Great Throne of Contemplation this morning, it hit me:  That must be where Chicago came from too.  Not only Chicago but I've seen Atlanta too!  If there is any evidence that Paul Bunyan and his giant Ox Babe existed, it has to be the great big piles the Ox left behind:  Detroit, Chicago, Atlanta, Washington D.C.  etc.

Homer

Texakana

P.S.   After my daily meditation on the Great Throne of Contemplation, I've concluded that Babe's got nothing on my talent.

Dear Homer,

I think you're right.   A few people wrote to suggest other cities that would qualify.   It seems that no matter where Paul Bunyan and Babe wondered they always seemed to leave "Great Big Piles of Detroit" around.

One letter suggested that if Detroit is a "pile" then the current mayor of Detroit, Kwame, is a fly.  Well, I'm not quite sure about that, but I do know that Kwame seems to "step in it" a lot.

Thanks for the input.

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Trailer Trash Mail Order Bride

Dear Uncle Ralph,

I need a woman!  I've been looking around but their ain't any decent chicks around my trailer park.  I've even gone to other trailer parks at night so I can look in the windows ( I call that window shopping ) but I ain't seen a broad that looks like she could take care of me.   My question is this:  Is there a Place where I can find a Catalog of Trailer Park Mail Order Brides?   Maybe even with a fold out centerfold or something.   They ain't even got to be American, just some babe to bring me my P.B.R. and pork rinds when I need 'em.

Got any advice?

Shopp'in for love in Oregon.

Dear Shopp'in,

Well, if you've been window shopping around the trailer parks and you can't find anything decent, I suggest you check out a Russian Chick.   If you can get beyond the hairy pits and legs and how funny they talk, you might really have something.  And I know for a fact that Russian chicks love Trailer Park Men. 

So Check out this forum:

www.planet-love.com/wwwboard/russian/ .  

 [Editors Update note 1/17/10:  The above is now a dead link.  Check this page if your are interested in more http://fastcupid.com/go/g799510-pmem . ] 

Sign on and start shopping the Wide World of Willing Women (WWWW) and find yourself a nice hairy chick.  

Be sure to send me pictures of the happy occasion.  ( The wedding, silly! Jeeze!  What were you thinking?!!)

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Runway Model

Dear Uncle Ralph

My wife has a friend that wants to be a runway model.  Well, when this girl walks into the trailer it makes everyone dizzy and and we all lose balance.  Only problem is that she makes the wheels go flat and the trailer tilts because she is a woman of some heft. 

While drinking a can of Buckhorn's finest, I mentioned that she should go to the airport if she wanted to be a runway model.  So here are the questions I have: What kind of beer is best for treating a black eye?  Also, should I buy a box of Milk Duds for her as an apology or should I just buy more beer to treat the black eye? 

Shinin' Bright

Dear Shinin' Bright

Ah yes.  Been there done that.  Even bought the T-Shirt!

Of all the things I've learned over the years is to never suggest to a friend of your 'ol lady that she might be somewhat less than "Svelt".   I suggest that you start by finding ways to complement her.   Try these simple yet effective lines:

"Your rolls add a texture to an otherwise featureless appearance."

"Your sweat makes you glisten like an early morning dew."

"The leather collar accentuates your chins like a noose of love."

"You have the prettiest jowls when you smile."

These lines should help.   So drink the Buckhorn and eat the Milk Duds.   And please, please, please keep something like that off of our airport runways.  It cost the taxpayers too much to rebuild them.

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Really Clingy

hey Uncle Ralph, whats kickin?  So I knocked up this chick right but she's started to get really clingy and I need to know  how can i get her to settle down and stop jumping down my neck every time I don't want to be around her.

shadow
 

Dear Shadow,

Now you gone and done it.  You're stuck.  When you knock up a chick you jumped on the Daddy Train.   So I suggest that if you want peace, (that's Peace not Piece) you get a job.  I know, I know.  I can hear you from here;  "  A Job!!! "   Yep.  I said it.  A job.  If you want peace, you can't go to the bar - She'll find you.  You can't go to your girlfriends house - She'll hunt you down.   Even if you leave state the law can find you.   So the only place you can go where your preggers woman won't bother you is at work.   Good luck.

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This Weeks Joke

Or Is It?

 

Service   At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." "It's the act of doing things for other people." Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:  - Internal Revenue Service  - Postal Service  - Telephone Service  - Civil Service  - City and County Public Service  - Customer Service  - Service Stations Then I became confused about the word "service ." This is not what I thought "service" meant. So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us. I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

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