OOOooo! So Life Like, How To Make Girls Go Nuts Over You, My Dog Better Lookin Than Yer Dog

Trailer Trash Advice

for the Week of

June 22, 2008

Happy Cinco De Mayo

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Dear Readers,

I just had to include this picture. I was impressed that this really wasn't a real baby. You can actually buy this baby. If you ever wanted one but didn't want to get knocked up to get one, check it out by clicking the picture.

Oh, and by the way, I'm gonna be a Grand Uncle again. That's what made me think of this. Can you Believe a couple like this can turn out something cute like that? Congrats Brad and Jen.

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Duuuuude! You've come to the right place. I once had an cousin (God rest his soul) that showed me this. Now being a happily married man to for over 26 years to the former Miss Bangor, I'd never use this trick myself. I have a hard enough time keeping the chicks arms length from me as it is. I am, after all, Uncle Ralph, a minor internet celebrity, so if I pulled this from my bag of tricks, there would be no helping the ladies.

Now bear in mind that you must use this trick with extreme caution. Let your guard down for one instance and you could end up shot dead from a jealous husband who got off work 15 minutes early from the canning factory to surprise his wife with flowers and chocolate and no one knew he was coming because he just fixed the exhaust on his truck that morning so no one warns you to stop sucking face with his woman before he steps in the door. (not that that would happen to anybody like my cousin or anything)

I am told that this trick comes from the darkest jungles of Spain where the men are known for their sensuality and sexual daring world wide. Taught for generations from father to son, from son to brother from brother to the 24 year old homeless guy that knocked up a bunch of underage high school girls in Gloucester Massachusetts.

This "trick" has been known to draw crowds of drooling females, each desperately wanting to know you better.

I'm not sure how to pronounce it in Spanish, but a rough English translation would be "Butterfly Ears". All you need is (2) fresh beers in glasses, popcorn or peanuts, a paper napkin, (A cloth towel is traditionally used in Spain, that's why you often see Spanish men walking around with small towels all over town.) a bar stool and a small amount of cologne.

Now at this point I have to say "I'm sorry" because I can't tell you how to use all this. You see there are a lot of chicks reading this and if they knew the trick it wouldn't work so well. But if you think about what I've just told you, and if you're a normal straight dude, you'll be able to figure it out in no time. Then you'll just say "Dude! Why didn't I think of that before?"

P.S. If you can't figure it out, send me an email and I'll answer you privately.

Well, considerin I done sold my dog to a nice Chinese family, no doubt. You should have sent me a picture though so I could judge for myself.

Kinda miss my dog though. Some nice family saw my dog and was practically drooling over her. They offered me $20 but I really didn't do it for the money. (Well, ok, I was out of Buckhorn at the time) It was just the way they became so fond of my dog so quickly and practically begged me to sell her so their children could enjoy her. Not having any kids of my own I'm sure she's in a better place now.

Confidentially Speaking

Too Hot To Print The Letter

To Cuddly: Let me drag out my crystal ball... Nope. You're still ugly.

To Chubby: Whoa! That ain't what a drill was designed to do. Better stop before you hurt yourself. (or go blind)

To Cusser: And you deserved to be slapped why?

To Linda Sue: No you can't have my baby.

To Nephew Cooter: A "Cooter with a Pooter" now's there's something I ain't seen before.

Uncle Ralph

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This Weeks Joke

Or Is It?

You Can't Fool Them All

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 60th birthday. She spends
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?' 'About 32,' is the reply. 'Nope! I'm exactly60,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The
woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 60.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 60, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a
woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my
hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best
of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay, how old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 60.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you in McDonald's.'

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