Wants Beer!, Is Hillary Clinton Attractive?, Bottom Cleansing

Me and my wife saved up for almost a month to go out on a date. So we both dressed up in our best jeans and even wore matching leather vest. I even washed my bandana for the occasion. We went to one of them fancy restaurants called Denny's. We ordered and were just talking when my wife, who ain't no hefalump, did the ol' left cheek-roll flunderbuster. Wow! Even I was embarrassed. Everybody in the whole place stared at us.

My question is, why don't these fancy restaurants server beer? I saved a whole month and can't even order a PBR! Not even a cheap Buckhorn.

I blame the government! If you want beer, you should have beer. You need to start attending those tea parties that are popping up and protest. But, bring you own Buckhorn.

See, I have this case of Buckhorn that i found buried deep in my shed, and my question to you Uncle Ralph is - How much Buckhorn would I need to drink to make Hillary Clinton attractive?

1: That depends. If you eat a lot of cheese, 5. If you eat a lot of fruit and vegetables or Mexican food then, um, I don't know. How many come in a roll? I had to quit eating Mexican food for almost a month until I could go over to my sister's place and borrow her plunger. She don't need it anymore cause her toilets broke again so she uses the outhouse. I keep telling her her "winters coming" but she don't care. She actually likes it cause the out house has a really good "echo chamber".

2: Of course it's normal. You should look. How else you gonna tell if there's something wrong with your poop? You need to know if something changes so you gotta look at it to be familiar with it. Then if it like turns green, (not like when you eat Lucky Charms) you take it to the doctor and find out what's wrong with you. You gotta catch these things early so you don't get cancer. You need to be as familiar with your own poop as possible so you should sniff it every time and to really be sure you should taste it at least once a month. You can't be too careful. Just hope that when you do find something in there, not like corn or peanuts, but like cancer or something, that you won't have Obama Health Care. One sniff of your crap and the "death panels" will put you to sleep for sure.

Uncle Ralph's Pithy Political Punditries

New Feature as of 8-30-09 - Uncle Ralph's Pithy Political Punditires.

I've wanted a spot to really tell it how it is. So this box is going to be my soapbox.

The "Confidentially Speaking" section is going away. People used it as an excuse to send me their nude or almost nude photos. That was really nice of some of you but the last one I've received ruined my appetite for almost 3 weeks. You can view the picture here. I still have nightmares.

Eventually, I want to give readers the ability to comment but this will get things rolling.

9/15/09

Ok, Got my newest favorite Music Video online. "Trailer Trash"

9/11/09

It's my birthday! Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me...

A bumper sticker I'd like to see:

I voted to keep my job, my guns and my freedom.

You voted for Obama.

You can whine about this here.

9/10/09

I have to admit, I almost accidentally, not on purpose, listened to some of the presidents speech last night. Got sick of him and turn back to the history channel and fell asleep. But one think I thought was cool about the speech was when Obama said we wouldn't be insuring millions of illegal aliens, someone in the house chamber yell out "That's a lie!". Ain't never seen that done to a president before. But one thing that grinds me is when he says he's going to make everyone have health insurance. "Just like having to have car insurance". Ok, I think I understand this: He's going to make me have health insurance at the point of a gun. That's right, if I refuse to buy health insurance the ultimate conclusion is for me to go to jail or be shot. "Shot? -What the heck you mean, Uncle Ralph?" some of you dummies may ask. Ok, lets say I refuse to buy health insurance because I want to buy more beer. The government fines me because I have no right to choose NOT to have health insurance. Ok, I resent being told what to do so I don't pay the fine. Next the government issues a warrant for my arrest because I didn't pay the fine for not buying health insurance. Cops knock on my door and tell me they're going to take me to jail. I laugh at the representatives of the Obama brown shirts. They put a gun to my head and tell me I'm going to a re-education camp (jail) where I'll learn all the reasons why I need health insurance or they are going to shoot me. Jail or dead - my choice. Health insurance is like car insurance? I can choose not to own a car so I don't need car insurance. Not the same thing Mr. Obama.

9-6-09

A Czar quits. Van Jones a "Czar" resigned after it was discovered that he signed a petition that suggested that the U.S. Government (Understand this to mean President Bush) "allowed" the 9/11 attacks to happen. Ok, I've heard lots of stupid stuff before. I even know a dude that when he registered to vote at his collage last year he was told he needed to help get the republicans out of office because President George W. Bush created New Orleans disaster with a nuclear bomb to kill black people. But now we have a presidential advisor who must be really stupid. This dude even said he was a communist. The White House said he didn't read the petition he signed carefully so he really didn't know what he was signing. Duh! Hey! President Obama! I can advise you too. Just write me. I can be the Czar of Trailer Trash. At least I read what I'm signing and everyone knows that God destroyed New Orleans because he wanted to give the Detroit Lions a chance to win at least one game.

******************

Ooo! And speaking of Czars... The Senate really sucks at their jobs. Where does the president get the authority of creating such powerful positions in the government with out oversight? Now we got Czars of this and Czars of that. Car Czars and Health Czars and Mayonnaise Czars. Jeeze! Congress, I know you're all Democrats now and need to really suck up to Obama, Nancy and Barney Frank, (sucking can mean a lot of things to Senator Frank but in this case I mean brown noser) but you really need to be doing your jobs.

******************

Speaking of Barney Frank, I can't help but really resent him for being a big player in creating the current economic crises. John McCain warned the senate there there were problems at Freddy and Fannie and you bullied the little pansy into not doing anything. I've seen the videos of both your speeches. Didn't you get some cash out of all that? I dunno, but we must be really stupid as a people if we let liars and thieves drive a government run health care system down our throats. You all need to be voted out! Come'on Massachusetts! You people have a job to do too.

******************

I can't help but watch Obama's approval ratings dip. This is interesting to me. I make it no secret I couldn't vote for Obama. Couldn't vote for McCain either. (I did vote, though. Constitution party. Gonna do it again next time around too. I miss Reagan. Someone that actually had backbone and did what was right. ) But the reason I find the fall in his ratings so interesting is because as it happened, during his inauguration I watched it on a TV where at a local office I was spending time at and actually saw people crying. Crying!!! At first I thought to myself that I ain't never seen anything like this before, but then I remembered I have seen this before. Several times. But it's always been in church. Maybe the rating dip means that people are starting to realize that he really isn't a god. Not even a minor one.

******************

I know a few of you got your panties all up in a bunch over last weeks Pithy Political Comments. All I can say is: "Get over yourselves." If you feel like commenting, write me. I might just laugh at you.

9-5-09

A friend pointed this twitter link out to me on face book. "[expletive Deleted] My Dad Says." This ain't rated PG13 but worth looking at for a laugh. http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays

Oh and by the way, if you want to follow me on twitter, and I admit I don't get it my nephews make me do it, my link is http://twitter.com/ralphatsuntel

Ok, That enough for my first rambling pithy comments.

Ralph

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ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
RON

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

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