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Window Peeping Geriatric

Dear Uncle Ralph,

We had a party at our trailer last weekend and everybody got really drunk. Then all the women striped down to their panties and bras and running around. Some of them even started drinking out on the deck. The cops came after my brother went to show me his new shotgun and it went off blowing a hole in my roof. Nobody got arrested but I think that's only because my neighbor woman and her sister took them in the back bedroom to "look at their guns". They turned out to be pretty cool and hung out with us to smoke some weed. These dudes ate all my beef jerky. You should have been there. I'll invite you next time.

My question is this, my neighbor in the trailer behind be is about 90 years old. She can't sleep so she's always outside doing yard work. Even at 3am. The problem is she smokes the great big stinky cigars and when she's working in by back yard the smoke will wake me up. It even set off my smoke alarm once so I can't keep my window open. Then last night she woke us up by banging on our window and when I opened it to see what the heck was going on she says, "are you guys 'doing it'?" That's just too weird for even me. I mean, how'd she know? I think she actually 'doing' the park manager but that's just a rumor and I really thing the pictures were photo-shopped.

How can I tell her to stop? I don't want to piss her off cause she was really fun at the party running around all wrinkly in her panties and all. And besides, she brought the best weed.

Party on,

Koonter

Dear Koonter,

Old people need to just be told straight up. They ain't got long to live so there ain't time to be beating around the bush or dancing around a subject. Best thing to do is get yourself a case of beer, bring her up on your deck and knock back a few. Then just tell her. Say: "You know that thing you do knocking on our window and blowing smoke by our trailer." That should do it.

Uncle Ralph

Am I Ever Getting Married?

Dear Uncle Ralph,

AM I EVER GOIN TO GET MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to drag out my Hannah Montana Magic 8 Ball. Since God never gifted me with the ability to tell the future, I trust the most reliable prognosticating device known to man. My Hannah Montana Magic 8 Ball. [Editors Note: For those of you in South Haven Michigan 'Prognosticating' means 'to tell the future'. Sorry for using such big words on you people from L. C. Mohr High School.]

This magic 8 ball was blessed by Hannah herself and I've never been wrong using it.

So let me ask....

"Oh Hannah Montana Magic 8 ball, will Jennifer EVER get married?"

(This is where I shake the magic 8 ball really hard.)

Ok Jennifer, the Hannah Montana Magic 8 ball is never wrong so if you don't really want to know the truth skip the rest of this.

The Hanna Montana Magic 8 Ball says: "I've got nerve & I say no."

There you have it. Sorry. But remember, I have the special Hanna Montana Magic 8 Ball but you can always ask the Magic Buckhorn Beer Can. Beer is never wrong. http://www.askuncleralph.com/GameRoom/ask_the_magic_buckhorn.php

Uncle Ralph

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Kentucky Football Exam

More Jokes

Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

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The New Diet