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The "Dear Abby" For Trailer Trash A bit of humor for the way we live. |
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Uncle Ralph Reads! I know it may be hard for some of you to believe, but your Uncle Ralph can read. On the odd occasion when the Buckhorn runs low, I'll pick up a good book. This time I picked up was all about me. ( Well not me exactly, but people just like me.) Cracker Ingenuity: Tips From the Trailer Park for the Chronically Broke, (St. Martin's Press) by P.T. Elliott & E.M. Lowry is a comprehensive history of some of the great things Trailer Trash and Rednecks have been able to accomplish right here in America. In the first chapter you're tested. The Trailer Ingenuity Test (or T.I.T. for short) test you on your trailer-trashness. When I took the T.I.T., I tested as "Trailer True". A high mark to be sure, but then I always did well with T.I.T.s I happened to be reading it in a public place and ended up getting a lot of stares from the people around me because I couldn't help laughing out loud. With some of the stuff in the book you just couldn't help but say "why didn't I think of that?" Things like how to steal electricity and how to make a Jailhouse Tattoo gun. For some of you I know the Jailhouse Tattoo gun will come in handy and may well make it worth the cost of the book. There is a whole section on vices. Did you know Laughing Gas can be a vice? The same thing for Rabbit Tobacco? Dang! Some people know how to party! For those of you that don't read so good, there are lots of pictures and art work. If you're into racing, (and what decent trailer trash ain't?) there are lots of pictures for you. Everything from lawnmower races to school bus races. The only thing I didn't love about the book is that it never mentioned me. Your 'ol Uncle Ralph, a celebrity in his own mind, was never mentioned once. They did mention www.MissouriTrailerTrash.com and www.Snopes.com but not a word on Uncle Ralph. A minor character flaw to be sure and a sin that can be forgiven, as it never detracts from some fun reading. A Large Picture of the Book Cover Can be seen by Clicking Here.
Lost in M.A.S.H Land
Dear Uncle Ralph,
Boseefus here. I moved to a foreign trailer
park. These Korean Trailer Parks just ain't right. They don't speak right. I’m
beggining to think these people are ilijituhmat. They caint read or speak
american right and there's no camaros in the front yard. Hell, they ain't got no
front yards? where do ya put the huntin dogs? Jeese. How do people live like
this. They can't even own no guns. Where's the humanity? What should i do?
I'm lost. They don't even sell buckhorn. I think I'm gonna cry. What's worse,
they ainb;t got no food stamps. They expect yah to have a job to pay for food?
what gives?
So those Army people decided you belonged in Korea. Maybe they thought you
could teach them something about living the Grand American Trailer Trash Life.
The bummer is there ain’t no Buckhorn. The good news is that those Korean chicks can be really good looking. Maybe you won’t need Buckhorn to improve their looks.
As for your question as to where they keep their hunting dogs. I’ve got some bad news for you. They don’t keep them. They eat them. Bear that in mind the next time you eat something that tastes like chicken.
Another good thing is that the Asians are also looking to live the good life. ( Be sure to read the next letter. ) So teach them well.
Can An Asian be Trailer Trash?
Dear uncle Ralph
Tai-Wong
Dear Tai-Wong,
Of course Asians can be trailer trash. All kinds of people are Trailer Trash and we welcome everyone into our community. (Except the French) You don’t even have to live in a trailer.
Start out by drinking a lot of Beer. If you can get it, drink Buckhorn. If not then you’ll have to step up a notch to Pabst.
Next, grow a mullet. You can check some out at this link: www.mulletsgalore.com .http://www.mulletsgalore.com/
If your car doesn’t spew out a lot of smoke then add a quart of 10W40 oil to each tank of gas. The idea here is to be sure people see you coming.
Never brush your teeth. Too many teeth is a sure sign that you weren’t born trailer trash.
Get at tattoo. I like the ones with the little boy pissing on something. Then, if you really want to look like you’ve been in the lifestyle for a while, tattoo some chicks name on your chest, cross it out and then do it again with three or four other chick names. It will make you look like you’re really the ladies man.
Lastly, get your self a fat chick. Preferably one that smoke a lot. Make sure she’s got the right attitude – she must be mean, cuss and hit you a lot. Be sure to get her name tattooed on your chest.
Good Advice
Dear Uncle Ralph,
Proud Wife
Dear Proud Wife
I love Pabst! No wonder your man comes home every night. I drink it on special occasions, like weddings and funerals, when I really want to get drunk.
Many of my readers prefer Pabst and I know a lot of it flows into the nations trailer parks everyday. But I can’t afford such a high end beer, so for everyday drink’in, I drink the cheap stuff.
Thanks for the advice and I’m glad to pass it along.
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What's On This Week On the Jerry Springer Show Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Note: Jerry Springer has not endorsed Uncle Ralph and is not affiliated in any way. But he should be.
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Copyright September 2008 all rights reserved
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