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The "Dear Abby" For Trailer Trash A bit of humor for the way we live. |
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Another Stolen Dog
Dear Uncle Ralph,
what do you do when someone steals your dog?
brooke
Dear Brooke,
This question has come up before. It seems to happen a lot. So I dug into the archive and retrieved an older response. My answer still holds true today so I hope this helps.
From May 12th 2002 Dear Uncle Ralph,
My dog came up missing. I'm sure my neighbor took him but I can't prove it. What can I do?
Houndless.
Dear Houndless,
Did you ask your neighbor for your dang dog back? Sheeze! If someone steals your dog, that is a real fight'in offence. Gather your kin and march right over there and have a talk'in. You don't have to prove noth'in.
However, the dog-breath most likely ate it. If that is the case you'll never get the dang dog back. At that point it don't do no good to start fight'in so you may as well relax.
Look on the bright side: Some good traditions can come from it.
Once my neighbor invited me and the ol' lady over for dinner. I found out latter, after about 8 beers, that the stew was made with my best dog. (Best dog I ever ate.) We're still friends, but every year about the same time, we have them over for dinner & beer. And every year, for some reason their dog runs off. Go figure.
Too Old to Be Naked
Dear Uncle Ralph,
Gracie
Dear Gracie,
Sheezeeeee! Daaaaang! Heck yes, that’s too old! Way too Old! Keep your cloths on. Only take them off when the lights are out and no one can see you. The last thing I would want to see if I were your neighbor is some toothless, baggy, and saggy and wrinkled bitty. I can only imagine what that would do to my breakfast.
Save the running around naked thing for when you’re under 30. After 30 you are too old to be freaking out people.
More Harley-Davidson Chrome
Dear uncle Ralph
Butch
Dear Butch,
A classic problem! First I have to teach you five things about women. #1 – Women Love to Talk #2 – Women Love to eat #3 – Women LOVE to Talk #4 – Women LOVE TO Talk #5 – Women LOVE TO TALK!
If you keep these 5 things in mind you’ll understand the root of most relationship issues. So you can see why she is mad at you. She wants to talk!
So to answer your question, you both are right. You have the manly need to have more chrome on your Harley and she has the inbred need to talk. So perhaps you can compromise. You get her the phone in the coldest 6 months of the year and then you get chrome when it’s Harley time.
But also, let me remind you of this: If she can’t talk to her kids, and being a woman she HAS to talk, who is she gonna talk to? You! Are you really sure you want that?
By the way, my Sponsor would shoot me if I didn't point out that you can find cheap phone service and rates at www.LDFacts.com. Taxidermist Blues
Dear Uncle Ralph, I owe the Taxi-dermist too much money and now she wont give me my deer. She say I can’t have it until I pay her. It’s a really cool deer. I shot it from my kitchen window with my muzzle loader gun. My wife thinks it will look cool standing in the corner of our living room. So my question is, Uncle Ralph, how can I get this Taxi-dermist chick to give me my deer until I can pay her?
Grandpa Temple
Dear Grandpa,
I’ve had this problem before. I once hit a deer while driving my 69 Camaro. Banged my car up pretty good. So I took the deer to my trailer park taxidermist and had him fix it up. I thought I would set it up in the front yard. This guy wouldn’t give me my deer either until I paid him. But I had to put a new windshield on the car because the cops wouldn’t let me drive it no more until I at least fixed that part of what the deer smashed up. It took 6 years before I had enough money to buy that dang deer.
Once I finally got the deer and stood it up in the front yard. It only took 4 hours before some dude in a white truck pulled up and shot it. Blew it to pieces. Well, so much for decent lawn ornaments.
So my suggestion to you is to call her and work out a deal. Explain that you don’t have the money right now but will make payments. Then maybe skip a pack of cigarettes a week and you’ll be able to pay her soon enough. But remember, if you put the deer in your living room, don’t put it in front of the window. Some dude may try and shoot it.
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What's On This Week On the Jerry Springer Show Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Note: Jerry Springer has not endorsed Uncle Ralph and is not affiliated in any way. But he should be.
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Copyright September 2008 all rights reserved
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