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The "Dear Abby" For Trailer Trash A bit of humor for the way we live. |
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One Full Year of Ask Uncle Ralph
Dear Readers,
It’s been one entire year since my nephews talked me into going on-line. It’s been a GREAT year and a lot more fun than I ever anticipated. I’ve made so many new friends that I can no longer count them. All of them Trailer Trash! So many of you have written me not just for advice but also to express how much you enjoy the site. That has really encouraged me to continue.
So in celebration, I decided to do a BEST OF ASK UNCLE RALPH and print out some of my favorites.
So break out the Buckhorn and enjoy!
TIME TO CELEBRATE!!!
Neanderthal Attitude
Uncle Ralph,
I’ve seen your website and I am appalled and disgusted! Your Neanderthal attitude is degrading to women of any culture. You should spend more time trying to educate yourself on women’s matters and less on trying to tell them what to do!
Ms. Cynthia Margaret Sheldon Boston MA.
My Dear Cynthia,
I am so glad you wrote. I sense so much anger in your letter. The three sentences you sent me are loaded with it. But I can help you.
You see anger is rooted in frustration and usually when we are frustrated it is because of something we have not learned to deal with or accept.
So in order for me to help you, I am going to walk you through a series of visualization techniques that I’ve learned during my many years helping people just like you.
First of all, you need a visual reference, so go to http://www.askuncleralph.com/Lifer.htm where you will see a real picture of me. Take a good hard look.
Next, relax, take a deep breath and close your eyes.
Now I want you to visualize in your mind that you are walking to the refrigerator. Open it and there you will see a six pack of Buckhorn beer. Take one out and close the fridge door.
Now I want you to visualize bringing it to me where I sit happily watching NASCAR in my easy chair. I smile back and thank you, and even blow you a kiss.
Now I want you to visualize yourself doing the dishes in the kitchen sink. You look up and I give you an appreciative smile. You smile back.
Don’t you feel better already? You see, your frustration and anger is a result of not grasping the reality that you are a woman. Once we accept the roles that God gave us, we are free to release our anger and live a happier life.
You can do this visualization technique in many ways. For example: you can fetch me a bag of pork rinds also. Do the laundry. Clean the dog crap from the yard and you can even change the oil in my truck.
Looking to Impress
Dear Uncle Ralph
I need your help. I am desperately trying to enhance my looks to impress my neighbor. Just to give you a low down on my situation. I am female, weigh in at about 195 (could be more, I haven't gotten on a scale lately) am 5ft 4. I have no job, have no car, but i have a great personality. I think the answer to my question is to get a tattoo. What do you think oh wise one? Where should i get this tattoo and what do you think the tattoo should be of?
Wanna be Branded.
Dear Wanna Be
You've made a smart choice to add another tattoo. This may be an ideal time to add a little mystery to your relationship with your neighbor. For someone with your described body type, I would suggest a "Peek-a-boo" tattoo. This doesn't need to be anything fancy, perhaps a flower, Harley logo or if your feeling a little extra adventurous, a dog taking a leak. To make it a "Peek-a-boo" tattoo, all you need to do is place it between the rolls of flesh on the belly. Then to show it off, just spread the rolls.
Your neighbor is sure to be impressed and perhaps amused. You'll spend hours laughing over it.
Good luck.
Links to Uncle Ralph’s Favorite Articles In “Life in This Grand Trailer Park”
Here are some of my favorite “Life” Articles
Missing Grandma - by Uncle Ralph
More Efishent Fishin - by Boseefus
And the Band Played On – by Rick
A Night Out – by
13 and Never Abducted
Dear Uncle Ralph,
I'm 13 and I ain't never been abducted by no aliens. Every night I go out in the woods - but nuttin. Both my brother and my sister have. Even my mom! She got to talk about it on some TV show. What can I do?
No space love here,
Roy
Dear Roy,
Only 13? Don't rush things. Every good thing will happen in it's own time. I wasn't abducted until I was almost 20 so I do understand why you're impatient.
These aren't things you can rush. And if you try and make it happen it never will. So relax! There are some things you can do to help, though. First of all, when you are old enough, drive and old Ford truck and if possible in your state, get a three gun rack for the back window. Second: never wear deodorant. For some reason aliens are attracted by these two things.
In the meantime, have your Mom and your sister relate the entire story to you with as much detail as possible. Don't ask your brother to do the same because it will disgust you.
After it finally happens be sure to write back and let me know how it went.
Why “Red Neck”?
Dear Uncle Ralph,
tell me: why do they call them "Red Necks" when all I see when I chase my lousy husband out of the local tavern is a row of white butt cracks sitting on the bar stools?
loretta
Dear Loretta,
Leave it to a woman to notice that. If you were to ever raise your eyes up and your mind out of the gutter, you would see that their necks really are red. I doubt, though, a woman of your kind will ever be able to do that.
Panty Crisis
Uncle Ralph,
Help me, Uncle Ralph. I've been shopping and all I can find is panties labeled Sunday, Monday, Tuesday Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Where can I find them for months January through December instead?
Lorelei
Dear Lorelei,
If you were to go shopping at the Goodwill store you will find them. But what you’ll discover is that they will have Sunday, Monday etc, crossed out and January, February written in with permanent marker. You could just as easily do that yourself.
Also, please remember that when buying used underwear to do the “Wall” test. Before laying your money down, always throw the underwear against the wall. If it sticks or slides down, they’re TOO used. Don’t buy them.
!!! Special !!!! Want to send an Anonymous "Snail Mail" reprint of an Uncle Ralph Column?
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What's On This Week On the Jerry Springer Show Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Note: Jerry Springer has not endorsed Uncle Ralph and is not affiliated in any way. But he should be.
Special Note: Not all letters are answered here. Some are answered in the Confidentials section of the free News Letter. Be Sure to sign up.
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