Ask Uncle Ralph

April 29, 2000

Dear Uncle Ralph,

 I am considering purchasing my first car but I don’t have much money.  I still want to impress the ladies.  Can you give me advise on what I should buy?

Want -Wheels Paul.

Dear Want - Wheels,

I remember being in your shoes.  With no money and no job it was hard to get a car that would turn the heads of the ladies in town.  I found, though, that this was much more easily resolved than at first it appears. 

What your really trying to do is to turn the heads of the ladies, right?  If  you have a car just like every other car on the road, who will notice?

I recommend a Ford Pinto if you can find one.  If you can’t find one in your area look for an old Chevy Camaro or a Ford Ranger pickup truck.  You have to be sure that your vehicle has a unique personality that reflects the personality of its driver.  Be sure to liberally apply primer and Bondo.  

Then your vehicle MUST leave a lingering presence so that when you are out of sight you will still be noticed.   For this, I recommend that any vehicle that you pick up creates tons of smoke.  If you can’t find a vehicle with the right combination of primer, Bondo and smoke, I recommend that you add your own.  Random patches of primer and then add a quart of oil to each take of gas.   This will draw all the attention you can handle.  Not only will you be noticed, you’ll be remembered.

Remember, we’re all in this great trailer park together.

Uncle Ralph

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