August 11, 2002

Newlywed Jitters

Dear Uncle Ralph

      Me and my wife have been married for two months now.  That is a record for me and I am proud of it.  The problem here is that she doesn't have my name tattooed anywhere on her body yet?  i know it's not hidden in one of them fat rolls cuz i checked.  Should I worry that the "little laddy" is plannin on leavin me.  I sure would hate that.  I don't know how to cook nothin unless it's on a grill and i can't do dishes? what do i do?

 Newlywed – again.

Dear Newlywed,

Congratulations.  You did remember to marry outside the family – right?

Don’t worry about the tattoo.   I know a lot of excellent trailer trash that don’t have any tattoos.  Not a single one!  And many of them have been married a couple of years already.  So not having a tattoo doesn’t mean much at this point.

 I do suggest that to put your mind at ease that you focus on taking care of this woman if you want the marriage to last.  Be sure to tell her that you love her (women like that a lot for some reason) and if you have problems saying the word “love” outside the context of beer, then all you have to say is “I like you even more than my new shotgun.”  She’ll understand.  After some time has passed you may be able to talk her into the tattoo.  Don’t push it, though.  If its that important to be sure your name is placed somewhere on her body and she is reluctant to have the permanence of a tattoo, try putting your name on her neck with hickies.  I’ve seen a lot of teens where someone has tried this but they can’t seem to get it right.  Perhaps someone with more experience can do it better.

Put Sheets Back On Bed

Dearest Uncle Ralph

       ONCE AGAIN ME AND THE OLE LADY ARE HAVIN MARITAL PROBLEMS.  I MET HER KIDS TODAY (THIS IS THE GOODEST PART), AND THEY WERE SO POLITE AND CUTE. THEY ALL ASKED ME IF I WAS THEIR DADDY.  ANYWAYS, ME AND THE LITTLE LADY HAVE BEEN HAVIN SOME TROUBLED TIMES LATELY.  APPARENTLY SHE'S A LITTLE PEEVED THAT I TOOK THE SHEETS OFF THE BED TO USE FOR CURTAINS.  THIS WAS A VERY GOODEST IDEA. SEE, IT HELPS KEEP THE GLARE OFF THE T.V. DURIN THE DAY IF YA COVER UP THEM THERE WINDERS. SO WE GOT TO ARGUIN AND IN A FIT OF RAGE, SHE MENTIONED SHE DON'T KNOW IF SHE LOVES ME ANYMORE..  DO I HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT LOSIN THE OLD LADY OR SHOULD I JUST GIVE HER SOME BUCKHORN BEER?  IF I AM GONNA LOSE HER, SHOULD I JUST KEEP THE BUCKHORN FOR MYSELF?

 OH SHEET!

 Dear Oh Sheet,

 Backup buddy!  All this over sheets on the windows?  Yes it was a good idea but to risk a break up with a fine woman over sheets is silly. 

 Put the sheets back on the bed.  If you have running water in your trailer, you may want to wash them first.  (I know, a man don’t know how to wash sheets and stuff but do your best.) 

 Sometimes a man has to back up a bit and compromise.  Yes, compromise!  If you like her kids and you want to keep this woman, then that is what you’ll have to do. 

 Next be sure to say that you’re sorry. (Fib a little)  Once things have settled down, then you can go to Goodwill and pick up some more sheets for the windows.  You may have to do without a six-pack of Buckhorn but that is the sacrifice that we as men are called to make on the rare occasion. 

 Good luck.  I think this relationship can and should be saved.

Food Stamp Benefits

Uncle Ralph

 Uncle Ralph, I want to know why welfare people call them food stamp BENEFITS when ya can't even buy beer and cigaretts with them? Whos that benefit?

 Goin Broke Buying Beer

Dear Goin Broke,

 I blame it all on the Republicans.  ( Well mostly )  You see, when we Trailer Trash voted for the Democrats we let them know what we wanted.  So they worked hard to represent us and got us food stamps.  Originally, the Dems knew that we needed our Buckhorns and Camels so the plan was for food stamps to be able to help pay for them. 

 But then the Republicans got in the way.  They wanted us to go out and get jobs as punishment for voting for the Democrats.   They didn’t want us to be able to get our food stamps at all.  But our friends the Dems worked hard to protect us from this type of evil thought process.   And like everything in politics they fought to a compromise.    They agreed that we could eat food but not drink beer or smoke.  I know, it sucks, but that’s how it works.

 Our only hope here is to vote the Republicans out of office AND MAKE THEM GET JOBS.  Lets see how they like it.

Duct Tape Wonder

Dear Uncle Ralph

I’ve just discovered Duct Tape!  What a tool!  I just wanted to your readers know about this [expletive deleted].  You can fix all kinds of  [expletive deleted] with this.  Today, when my toilet was leakin around the base I was able to fix it with Duct Tape!  And then I was able to hang my muffler back up with it.  This is great [expletive deleted].    Why don’t you put a how-to section on your web site on how to use Duct Tape to fix [expletive deleted]?   I bet a lot of people would like that.

Newest Duct Tape King

Dear Newest,

 I love Duct Tape!  I’ve used it for years.  I was even able to fix the hole I put in my trailer with it when my shotgun went off when I was cleaning it at the table.  I just put a few pieces on the outside and a few on the inside.  It lasted for 5 years before I had to replace it with fresh Duct Tape.

 I’ll make a deal with you.  If enough people send in their tips on using Duct Tape to fix things, I’ll devote an entire section to it.  And I’ll even do one better: If enough people send in their tips, I’ll set up a whole new web site devoted to these tips.

 Just send your tips to Duct-Tape@AskUncleRalph.com

 I’ve decided to that this weeks poll will be on Duct Tape.  Please be sure to take the poll.  http://www.askuncleralph.com/Poll.htm?Poll

Special Note:

Not all letters are answered here.  Some are answered in the Confidentials section of the free News Letter.  Be Sure to sign up.

Need Advice?  Ask Here!

 Click Here

www.SquireLaneWebHosting.com

www.LDFacts.com

What's On This Week On the Jerry Springer Show

Special Note:

DO YOU WANT TO BE ON THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW?

 A producer of the Jerry Springer show has asked that I provide their toll free number so that the Ask Uncle Ralph readers can call them. 

Associate Producer Jessica is looking for "Strange or unusual" stories.

As we all know, the Trailer Trash Community sure has more than their share!

Give her a call.

Her number is 888-321-5399.

More info can be found at

http://www.jerryspringer.com/guestsearch.asp

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Note: Jerry Springer has not endorsed Uncle Ralph and is not affiliated in any way.  He's just too cool not to link to.

Advertisements

Copyright September 2008 all rights reserved