August 18, 2002

Don’t Shoot Chickens

dear uncle ralph,

 just yesterday i discovered them chickens from my neighbors house in my pool again, so i shot em. now missuz “cleaver” is tryin to shoot me. should i run or shoot back?

bayou chickity

Dear Bayou,

Wow!  You have a pool?  That’s great.  Most of us only get a creek or a pond.  When I grew up I had a puddle when it rained.   You are very blessed.

But!   Now you got trouble.   First off you blew it.  Chickens don’t swim so all you had to do was wait for the twitch’en to stop then you could start making supper.

You can’t shoot your neighbor.  This would be bad.  You end up in the state pen for a while and that would really suck.  Trust me, I know.

So let me give you a better way to resolve this.  If you both have telephones in your trailers, give her a call.  Say your very sorry, you didn’t realize that they were her chickens.  Then offer to buy her double the amount of chickens you shot.  For example, if you shot 5 then buy her 10.   She will then be happy were her good fortune.

Now though, next time you see chickens, in your pool, just wait for the twitch’en to stop and have a good dinner.  You both win.

What To Do With Grandpa

My Dearest Uncle Ralph,

I think I have an unusual problem, and I’m not sure where to ask for help.  Thank you for being there.

You see, my husband’s Grandfather lives with us.  We have made him very comfortable in our old 8’ by 8 ‘ aluminum tool shed out back.  We even ran an extension cord out there so he wouldn’t have to use oil lamps any more.  We even gave him our old black & white TV. (it only gets channel 3 but he watches it all day)

My problem is that every morning when I’m makin my old man breakfast I see him out there using our trees as his bathroom.  This man is 83 years old and that ain’t what I want to see first thing in the morning.  And when he gets a case of beer I see him all day long.   We told him over and over to come in and use our bathroom but he will only come in for what he calls his “Grand Think”.

My husband says the man is old and to let him enjoy his pee, but I think it’s very disgusting to watch this bent over old man hobble over to the tree and pee.

Is there anything I can do?

Signed,

Can’t Stand to see.

Dear Can’t Stand,

At 83 there ain’t much left that a man can enjoy except to pee.  But I can understand why this bothers you.  So here are my suggestions:

1)       Take an old dryer out back, remove the door, face it away from your window and tell him you bought him a new urinal.

2)       Put a bed sheet up on your windows and then you won’t be able to see.

My Great Grandfather lived in our shed for many months.  Before he died, that was the only thing he got to enjoy.  He would actually spend hours just standing in front of his special tree.   We just didn’t watch.

Not a Recycling Center

Dear Uncle Ralph,

People keep dropping of stuff at our trailer to be recycled.  What can I do?

Walton

Dear Walton,

That happens a lot to trailer trash.  People mistake our homes for recycling centers. 

The way I found that works for this is to make two hand painted signs.  One says “Recycling Center Closed” and the other says “Recycling: $1 per pound”

Now, when your not there you put up the closed sign,  then on Saturdays you put up the other sign and sit out on a lawn chair in the front.  When people show up to drop off their stuff, charge them $1 per pound to drop it off.  If you’re near the right suburb you can charge a lot more.

I’ve been doing this for over 3 years.  This keeps me well stocked in Buckhorn Beer. Some day when I get a round to it, I’ll take all this stuff to a real recycling center where they pay you for this crap and then I’ll get my double wide.

Life Long Dream

Dear Uncle Ralph,

I’ve always wanted to open a fireworks stand in my town.  How can I get started?

Firecracker

Dear Firecracker,

You start by picking up a bunch of fireworks stuff and putting it in your trunk.  Then you can drive around to the different factories and quietly offer your goods during shift change.   From there you find a nice corner and set up a table by setting an old door on top of two sawhorses.  Next you get a tent to sell out of.

All this takes time.    Don’t be discouraged by slow sales at first or arrest.  But that is how everyone gets started.

Found You!

Dear Uncle Ralph,

I found you on Google [www.google.com] and Yahoo [www.Yahoo.com].  I love your column. Keep up the good work.

Mom

Dear Mom,

Thanks.  (Are you really my Mom?)

Your boy,

Special Note:

Not all letters are answered here.  Some are answered in the Confidentials section of the free News Letter.  Be Sure to sign up.

Need Advice?  Ask Here!

 Click Here

www.SquireLaneWebHosting.com

www.LDFacts.com

What's On This Week On the Jerry Springer Show

Special Note:

DO YOU WANT TO BE ON THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW?

 A producer of the Jerry Springer show has asked that I provide their toll free number so that the Ask Uncle Ralph readers can call them. 

Associate Producer Jessica is looking for "Strange or unusual" stories.

As we all know, the Trailer Trash Community sure has more than their share!

Give her a call.

Her number is 888-321-5399.

More info can be found at

http://www.jerryspringer.com/guestsearch.asp

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Note: Jerry Springer has not endorsed Uncle Ralph and is not affiliated in any way.  He's just too cool not to link to.

Advertisements

Copyright 2009 all rights reserved