Husband Is Too Rude

Dear Uncle Ralph,

I got something that really bugs me.  It happened again this week when we were at one of the finer restaurants in town.  My husband and I have been arguing over it ever since.  We agreed to let you tell us how it should be.

Here’s the problem.   We were eating in Hardies and my husband leaned over to the next table and said, “Dude, you gonna eat that?”  I was extremely embarrassed.  He even ending up eating the guys last few Freedom Fries*.  [*Editors note: we change the name here to flip the bird to the French]

Can you tell him how wrong that was?  He doesn’t see anything wrong with it.

Embarrassed in Kansas

Taneel

Dear Taneel,

You have a right to be embarrassed.  It was very rude of your husband.  So you win this one.

He should have said “Excuse me.” first.  Some people’s mama’s don’t teach people right.

What Happed to Mullet?

Dear Uncle Ralph,
 
How come you ain't got no mullet like the rest of us proper trailer trash?  Even your sister  Sharleen has a mullet.  What gives?

Bob

Dear Bob,

Well it’s kind of a painful story but it has a happy ending.

 I lost my mullet about a year ago.  I was trying to cook on my charcoal grill and couldn’t keep the coals lit.  So after running out of lighter fluid I just sucked some gas out of my Camaro and put some on the coals.   I wanted to be sure that it would light this time so I really poured it on.

Now do you have any idea what you get when you pour gas on hot charcoal?    The gas turned into a vapor.   Now try lighting it. 

Va-Boom!!!   I lost my mullet and the mustache I’d been growing for two years and curling around.     I learned a lesson that day.   Never mix Charcoal, gasoline and a 12 pack of Buckhorn.  Dumb things can happen.

I did say, though, that there is a happy ending.  When my hair started growing back, my beautiful, talented and amazing wife of 22 years started rubbing my head.  Let me tell you, when you have short hair and your wife rubs it, it can be a real turn on!  I’ll let her rub my head for an hour or two while I sip Buckhorn.  It’s wonderful!   So I’ve kept my hair pretty short since then.  She cuts it for me in the kitchen every three weeks.   And after she cuts my hair, it makes for a GREAT evening.

Dear John Letter

Dear uncle Ralph

.I’m stationed here in Iraq with the Marines.  I just got a “Dear John” from my girlfriend.   She said she was breaking up with me because the temptation to be with other guys has just been too strong while I was gone and that she has already cheated on me several times.  Now she wants here picture back.   I’m really pissed.   What do you suggest I do?

Thanks,

Jarhead

Dear Jarhead,

Bummer.  That really sucks.  

I suggest you do the following:

1)       get pictures of all the women you can.  Collect them from all your friends.

2)       Pack them all up in a box and mail them to her with a note that says:  “I don’t remember which one you are.  Please take your picture out and send me back the rest.”

P. S.  Keep up the good work over there, get Saddam and come home.

Taxes Go Up As Trailer Goes Down

Yo Ralphy,

  The floor of our manufactured home is begining to cave-in. i think it would be a super-swell idea to have the wheels removed so that our lovely moble-abode can just sit flat on the ground. My wife Nordeen says that our taxes will go up because then Coot County will consider our little dwelling a "house" instead of trailer.

 

  Normally Nordeen wouldn't know dog dung from ketchup, but she claims that a little water-sprite whispered this financial fact to her this morning as she was  walking to her job at Bubba's Pump-N-Save.  I just can't afford being in a higher tax bracket. 11$ a year is killing me as it is.

 

 Ralphy, is Nordeen right?

Neander Littlethawl -  Jimps,Georgia

Dear Neander,

Yup, she’s right.  If you take the wheels off and set your trailer on the ground, your taxes are gonna go up.   A good rule of thumb is never make improvements.  When you do, the government thinks you make too much money and jacks the taxes up.

So I suggest you just get a couple of cinder blocks and a couple of two by fours and stick them under your floor to brace it.  This has worked fine for me in a few trailers.  Once, when I had some extra cash, I put a sheet of plywood over the part that was caving in.  This lasted a long time

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