Free Milk And Cows

Dear Uncle Ralph,

My girlfriend wants to get married.  We’ve been going out now for 5 years.  I don’t want to get married yet.  I love my freedom but she is saying that if we don’t get married soon she is going to break up with me.   My Daddy says as long as you get your milk free, don’t buy the cow.   He also says that there are a lot of cows in the pasture and I can always find “free milk”.   What do you think?

Greg

Dear Greg,

Your Daddy is wrong on this one.   The only way to be sure that no one is spitting in your milk bucket is to keep the cow in your own barn.

Grandma Moves to Trailer Park

Dear Uncle Ralph,
 
It has come to my attention that my grandmother (we'll call her..umm..Laura) has decided to move to the trailer park after all many years of living in the city. We want to get her a trailer warming gift.   Me and the family was havin our "GRAND-THINK" one morning and still weren't able to come up with anything.  we did drink plenty of buckhorn though.  should we buy her some buckhorn or what? What should we get her for a trailer warmin gift? Maybe some foodstamps and a old broke washin machine for her unmowed front lawn?

Lookin out for Gramma
Johnny   

Dear Lookin,

Well, if your Grandma has lived in the city for several years she may need just about everything.   A case of Buckhorn is a good start.  You can also get her some old tires to use as flower planters.  Don’t forget beer can wind chimes.  

One thing you should be concerned about, though, is her adjustment to the trailer park life.  Don’t worry about starting slowly.  You should try and do several things at once.  You could overwhelm her but remember that this is for her own good.   There is no better way to be de-programmed from city life than to have a good party.    Be sure that the park gives her a warm welcome.   Have an open house and have everyone over to her trailer.  Be sure to provide at least a keg.  Your Grandma may object but ignore her.  Remember that this is for her own good.

Then start introducing her to the men around the park.   Start with the geezers that at least have false teeth and then work your way down

Showing her a good time is the best thing you can do for “Laura”.

Quit Smoking?

Dear uncle Ralph

My man thinks it cost too much money anymore to smoke.  He wants to quit.   What should I do?

Beth

Dear Beth,

I know its part of trailer trash tradition to smoke.   I did for a long time.  But it is really ok not to smoke.  That doesn’t make him less of a man.  He just makes him a man that doesn’t smoke.  

So let him stop smoking and use the extra money to buy beer.  I wouldn’t be too concerned that he is loosing his “Trailer Trashness” unless he suddenly gets the urge to mow the lawn.  If that happens I suggest that you beat him until he’s over it.

Fart Lighting a Sport?

Dear Uncle Ralph,

Is fart lighting a sport?   My girlfriend thinks it is and says that I should compete because I’m so good at it.  Where can I find some information of when and where contest are being held?

Big Butt Harold

Dear Big Butt,

I’ve never heard of anyplace that holds contest for fart lighting.   It does sound like it has potential though.   I suggest you start you own contest event.  Start right in your own trailer park.  Offer a case of Buckhorn for the grand prize.  That should guarantee you a lot of contestants.  Then I would hold the event at least once a month.

Many sports started this way.   Sports such as professional skateboarding and trick bicycle riding.   Soon these sports morph into something else.   Extreme Skateboarding, etc.   Can you imagine “Extreme Fart Lighting’?   ESPN should be begging to show it.

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