Train Season

Hey Uncle Ralph,

Being a teacher in a little mountain town is always an
opportunity to hear great white trash humour.

One day at work  when it was harvest time for the town the boss told us "you young bucks who like to go to the bar be careful coming back over the rail tracks because its train season! Well dang, I wish she told me that earlier because right now I feel like getting my trusty old .303 & bagging me a freight engine!

Brendan, an Australian redneck

Dear Brendan,

It’s good to hear from an Aussie brother.   It’s a good reminder that we trailer trash types are all over the world.   Thanks for the joke.   Just remember that if you actually bag a freight engine, you can’t eat it, it’s too tough.  I would look nice mounted in your living room though.

Butt Groove

Hello Uncle Ralph

I'm from a small place here in West Kentucky it's not a big industralizeds place here where I live. Matter of fact about the biggest industiry we have here is a 450 pound Avon lady. Don't get me wrong I like big legged wiman if they got thighs as big as country hams I like'em. The problem is when my avon lady comes by to drop off my avon she sit's in my favorite chair and mess up my butt grove.
 

I hate it when some one mess's up my butt grove because it usally takes about three or four case of beer before my butt grove feels right again.

How can I politely ask her to sit on the couch with the concert blocks under it for add support?

Razor toting Jim

Dear Jim,

The trick is to sit down first.   When you open the door for her, run straight to your chair and sit down.  That way she’ll have to choose a different chair.  Be careful doing that though.   If you piss the Avon lady off, she’ll head straight for the wicker chairs.

But the question I have for you is: Why is the Avon lady coming to visit you?   Not too many trailer trash guys wear Avon.  Perhaps you’ve got more problems than just the butt groove in your favorite chair?

Regrets Dumping Girlfriend

Dear Uncle Ralph,

 My girlfriend and I been dating for a year and a half and I broke up with her. Now I see what I don't have and I want her back very bad but she is dating my best friend and I do not know what to do. I need some advice please.

Yancy

 

Dear Yancy,

Dude!  Sucks to be you!  Maybe you and your best friend can flip a coin for her.  

Let this be a lesson learned.  If you dump a chick, be sure you really had a good reason to dump her.  For example, a good reason to dump a chick is if she refuses to bring you a Buckhorn when you’re watching NASCAR.  Then you know you’ll never want her back.

So my advice to you is to find yourself another chick.  If you hang out at the local tattoo parlor you’re sure to find one of your kind in little or no time.

For the benefit of the rest of my readers, I’ve been asked a few times where the best place to find a good trailer trash woman is.  Since I’ve been married for 22 years, I no longer look for places to pick up chicks, but what I’m finding out is that the best places to find trailer trash women is the tattoo parlor.  Preacher says that good girls wont be found there and who wants a good girl when all you’re looking for is a date?

Drinking And Boating

Dear Uncle Ralph,

I read about Aunt Sharleen's page and took a gaze at it. 

[Editors Note: http://www.askuncleralph.com/Sharleen/sharlenes_page.htm ]

 First off she thinks she is better qualified to give trailer trash advice than you.  I think she's been drinkin the buckhorn a little too much.  Maybe she should stop writin while she's drunk and go find a man with a double wide to fetch buckhorn for. 

But, i do have a kweshtun for you.  Does the term "drinkin and drivin" also apply when you are on a boat?  I thought it didn't but the sherrif thought it did.  Just because i hit the ramp at a really high speed to put the boat on the trailer instead of having to back the trailer in the water doesn't mean that i should be given a sobriety check does it?  This is trailer trash country... stuff like that should be legal.  what do you think?

Greg

Dear Greg,

I agree that stuff like that should be legal.  It’s getting to be you can’t drink anywhere anymore.   First you can’t drink and drive and now you can’t drink and boat.  That sucks.   Before I sank my boat I used to really party it up.   It wasn’t unusual to go through two or three cases of Buckhorn while cruising the lake.  As a matter of fact, when my boat sank, it was the beer that saved my life.  The Keg of Buckhorn floated so I had something to hang on to.  So I’m all for drinking and boating.   Elect yourself a new more enlightened sheriff.

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