December 8, 2002 

Changes Weekly!

Love At The Fair

Dear Uncle Ralph,

I recently had the opportunity to see my favorite band at the state fair. I was right there at the front of the stage singing along and making eye contact with them, and the dreamy guitarist *winked* at me! And it
wasn't a generic wink, either. The man meant it! I am so in love! And since they were at the height of their popularity fifteen years ago and nowadays no one (except me and some other classic rock buffs) even
cares who they are, I think I might have a chance with him. I need your advice on how to approach him after the next show, Uncle Ralph. What should I wear? What should I say? Please help me out!

Signed,
Helplessly in love

Dear Helpless,

Oh the wonderment of reliving our youthful fantasies.  It seems that when we become adults, we just can’t let go of our youthful lust.  I remember that I once had a crush on a young singer who was the prettiest thing I ever saw (other than the woman I married).  I would go to the concerts and  pine for days afterwards.   Then I found out that Boy George was really a boy.  I mean REALLY A BOY and not just a stage name.

I can also tell you this:  It’s their job to make you feel that you have a chance with them.  Yup.  It’s true.   The more fans that thinks they really have a chance, the bigger their paycheck.  So I’m suggesting that this band member was just doing his job.  You’ll plop down your cash for another ticket, buy his album and he’ll make a boatload of cash. 

Next time you are at one of their concerts, just drop down from the cloud for a moment and look around you.  How many more chicks are staring up at him with that look in their eyes?  Then you’ll see that you are just one of the crowd.

But now that we have established that you are just one of the crowd, if you still want to have a groupie one night stand, try the following:

Wear a sheer top,  no bra and a plain white mans shirt over it.  Tie it off at the waist but leave it unbuttoned.   This should provide for the necessary modesty.  Then wear a pair of tight slightly faded jeans and finish it off with a pair of high healed cowgirl boots.  Then the next time he winks at you, untie the shirt and give him a view.

If he is interested, he will contact you after the show.  You may even find that his as asked someone from security to take you out early so you can beat the crowd.  Don’t worry, he’ll find you.

Good luck.  And be sure to send me a picture of the two of you.

Is Santa Real? 

Dear Uncle Ralph,
 
Is Santa Claus Real?

Steve (7 years old)

Dear Steve,

Of course Santa is real!  Why would you think different?  Although he is quite busy this time of year, with having to spend time at the mall and stuff.   I once shared a 6 pack of an adult beverage with him.  I found that after the third such adult beverage, he became very generous.  He gave me a new watch and a genuine NASCAR hat.  So I suggest to you that you tell your Mommy to pick up a 6 pack of her favorite adult beverage so that on Christmas Eve you can place it and a big bag of pork rinds on the table.   Then on Christmas morning you should have a LOT MORE PRESENTS!

By the way, try not to make too much noise on Christmas morning.  I think your Mommy may have a headache.

 Jerry Don't Like Smoke

Dear uncle Ralph

I’ve really learned a lot from reading your advice.  But now I have a question:  Should I let my 12 year old daughter smoke when were eating dinner on the TV trays?  It’s kinda distracting when we’re watching Jerry.
.

Sharron

Dear Sharron,

No.  You shouldn’t let your 12 year old smoke when watching Jerry.  If she really feels the need to smoke, she should wait until Jerry is over.  Point out that you never see anyone smoking on his show.  There is a reason for this.  Jerry doesn’t like people smoking around him.  Therefore, out of respect, people refrain from smoking around him,  even if they are just watching him on TV.  It’s a matter of respect.

The Underwear Test

Dear Uncle Ralph,

I Tried to tell my Mom about the Underwear Test I read about on your web site.  Could you explain again about what it is so I can show my Mom?

Help’in Mom

Dear Help’in,

Sure, I’m happy to.

The Underwear Test is for when you are buying used underwear at a second hand store.  It’s rather simple.  You take the underwear and throw it against the wall.  If it sticks or slides down, then it’s too used.

I was in a second hand store last month and saw about a dozen pairs of underwear stuck to the ceiling.  Readers, please don’t throw underwear on the ceiling.  If they get stuck, it’s a lot of work to remove them.

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