February 16, 2003 

Changes Weekly!

Alien Abduction

Dear Uncle Ralph,

I’m 37 years old and I ain’t never been abducted by aliens.  I was close once when a flying saucer flew over my car but they didn’t pick me up. I wanna get on a TV show.  What do I need to do to get abducted?  I’ve tried wearing  a leather mini-skirt but that ain’t helped yet?

Tanya

Dear Tanya,

Not everyone gets abducted.  I wasn’t abducted until I was almost 20 and my wife has never been so don’t sweat it if you never are either. 

There are some things you can do to attract them and improve your odds.  First get the biggest satellite dish you can.  This will show them that you are serious about your communication.  Next, be sure to drive an old pickup truck and if your state allows it, put a gun rack in the back window.  Never use deodorant.   For some reason, aliens don’t like deodorant.

I like the idea of a leather mini-skirt.  I hadn’t thought of that one before but it makes sense.   They do like long legs so be sure and wear high heels too.   I suggest that you also wear a slightly see through blouse.  I have no idea if the aliens like that but I would like that a lot.  (grin)  

Lastly, be sure to drink a lot at night.  It appears that a drunk woman in a mini-skirt would have a pretty good chance of getting picked up by something even if it’s not aliens.  If after a few months you haven’t been picked up, try a leather micro-skirt.   You have to prove that you’re serious.

Wife Too Fat for a Sober Man

Dear Uncle Ralph,
 
My husband says I’m too fat and say’s I eat too much.  I was fine for him when we gots married two weeks ago, but now that he’s stopped being drunk all the time he don’t seem to want me no more.  Is there any thing I can do to change his mind?

Big Bettsie

Dear Bettsie,

Through the years I’ve noticed that women love to eat and trailer trash women REALLY love to eat.   That’s ok because men love to drink and trailer trash men REALLY love to drink.  When a man drinks then weight don’t matter.  Even ugly don’t matter.  The more beer the skinner and prettier the woman.  It’s a mystery how that works but it’s true.

The only thing I can suggest here is to either go on a diet or get him to start drinking again.  I’m all about saving relationships so I want to see this work out.   So stock up on Buckhorn and lock the fridge.

Happy VD

Dear Uncle Ralph

On Friday, my boyfriend called and said “Happy VD” and then he sent me flowers and wanted to take me out to dinner.  I was pretty mad that he gave me VD and then tried to make up to me with flowers so I dumped him.  He couldn’t understand why I was mad. 

My friend said I should be happy and that he is a wonderful guy.  But how could I love a man that gave me VD?  What do you think?  Should I get back together with him?

Don’t like VD in Wisconsin

Dear Don’t Like,

Wow.  You screwed up.   Friday was February 14^th.   Valentines Day or VD for short.  When your boyfriend said “Happy VD” he was wishing you a happy Valentines Day, not happy venereal decease.  

It sounds to me like you had a winner and you threw him away.  Too bad.   Most men, including myself, have a hard time remembering important holidays.  You found one that tried to be considerate and sent him packing.

My advice to you is to go see him, get on your knees and apologize like only a woman would know how to do.

Special note:   Speaking of Valentines Day:  On Friday, I crawl out of bed and my beautiful wife made me a wonderful breakfast before I had to go to work.  Just as I am about to leave for work she gives me a VD card and a box of chocolates.  I couldn’t eat them then and couldn’t take them with me.   When I got home there was only one piece left.  Which brings me to Uncle Ralph’s Rule #37: never leave chocolate around a trailer trash woman.

Too Cold For Dead Dogs

Dear Uncle Ralph,

My front porch collapsed two weeks ago and killed two of my dogs.   My wife says I need to get out there and tear it down so I can get the dogs out and bury them.  But I think it’s too cold to go outside and the dogs will be just fine until they thaw.  What do you think?

Back Door Man

Dear Back Door,

Yep.  It’s cold out.  Tell your wife to take a chill pill.   The dogs aren’t going anywhere and will be fine until the snow melts.  But to make her happy, get a chain saw and cut a hole through the rubble until you can retrieve the dogs and drop them off at the animal shelter after midnight.  It won’t take that long with a good chainsaw.

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