January 19, 2003 

Changes Weekly!

Neanderthal Attitude

Uncle Ralph,

I’ve seen your website and I am appalled and disgusted!  Your Neanderthal attitude is degrading to women of any culture.  You should spend more time trying to educate yourself on women’s matters and less on trying to tell them what to do!

Ms. Cynthia Margaret Sheldon

Boston MA.

My Dear Cynthia,

I am so glad you wrote.  I sense so much anger in your letter.  The three sentences you sent me are loaded with it.  But I can help you.

You see anger is rooted in frustration and usually when we are frustrated it is because of something we have not learned to deal with or accept.

So in order for me to help you, I am going to walk you through a series of visualization techniques that I’ve learned during my many years helping people just like you.

First of all, you need a visual reference, so go to http://www.askuncleralph.com/Lifer.htm where you will see a real picture of me.  Take a good hard look.

Next, relax, take a deep breath and close your eyes.

Now I want you to visualize in your mind that you are walking to the refrigerator.  Open it and there you will see a six pack of Buckhorn beer.  Take one out and close the fridge door.

Now I want you to visualize bringing it to me where I sit happily watching NASCAR in my easy chair.  I smile back and thank you, and even blow you a kiss.

Now I want you to visualize yourself doing the dishes in the kitchen sink.  You look up and I give you an appreciative smile.  You smile back.

Don’t you feel better already?  You see, your frustration and anger is a result of not grasping the reality that you are a woman.  Once we accept the roles that God gave us, we are free to release our anger and live a happier life.

You can do this visualization technique in many ways.  For example: you can fetch me a bag of pork rinds also.  Do the laundry.  Clean the dog crap from the yard and you can even change the oil in my truck.

  Dating Above Yourself

Dear Uncle Ralph,

 There’s this really cute trailer girl in local trailer park that I want to ask out.  But I don't know how she would take to me because I did not grow up in a trailer.  I am a college degreed professional working guy but I'm also sick and tired of all the snobby ungrateful yuppies.  I want someone true and real; I want a trailer girl!

 

Uncle Ralph, do you think trailer people date exclusively other trailer people?  Or do I have a chance with her?

Danny

Dear Danny,

First of all I must complement you on your taste.  Not many highly educated men have the courage to try and date above themselves.  The good news is there is always a good chance of getting a date with a trailer trash chick.   But since this is your first attempt, let me give you some dating tips.

1)  Don’t expect your date to tattoo your name on her breast on the first date.

2)  It is impolite to mention anything about missing teeth.  The same holds true with nose hair.

3) Consider bringing a small gift when arriving at her trailer.   A small pouch of chewing tobacco shows you accept her as she is.

4) A beer can wind chime is sometimes considered a sign of commitment.  If when you arrive you see one blowing around nearby, be sure it belongs to her mother and not her.  There’s no point in getting beat up by her boyfriend on the first date.  Also:  If she gives you one, be sure that you have decided to be committed Trailer Trash BEFORE you hang it up.

5)  Feed her well.  Trailer Trash women love to eat.

6) After your date if she invites you to come in and see her stuffed animal collection, SHE MEANS IT!  She’ll have all kinds of dead and stuffed critters in her home ranging from mice to moose. 

I hope these tips help you.  Have a fun time

Boseefus's Mom Writes

. Dear Uncle Ralph,

    Ah am so glad you have beefrended my son Boseefus and posted is portrait on yur website.  You see, Ah am tryin my darndest to get that boy married for the past 10 years.  He's 25 and it's high time he settles down wif a wife and kids.  Therefore, Ah am sendin along this baby picture and would be much beholdin to you if you would post it on yur web site to show them women what a catch he is.  He coms from a first class family  and will give you cute little kids ( and me cute little grankids) which is illustrated by his cute little picture in his kiddie pool.

Thank you so very much.

Boseefus' Mom,

Bertha Butts

Dear Bertha,

Thanks for writing.  Boseefus is a wonderful guy.  Since I posted the picture of him with his new Christmas present gun, I have forwarded almost 150 letters from women (and three guys) to him asking for his telephone number (he don’t own a phone).  Some of these women (and one guy, we’ll call him Gunny) even sent nude photos.  For some reason, a bunch of chicks in the army have fallen in love with him.   I suspect it’s because of the big gun he has.

I am happy to post his picture. 

                           Baby Boseefus

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