January 5, 2003 

Changes Weekly!

Happy New Year!!!

Dear Readers,

Well, a new year has just begun.  Last month was kinda rough.  One of my nephews and I had to polish off a keg of Buckhorn.  This old body ain’t what it used to be.  Those of you that pay attention to such things will notice that I missed two emails last month.  Now you know half the reason why.  The other half is due to the flu.  Not as much fun, but I still ended up kneeling before the porcelain god of wrath on both accounts.   You can read how we came across the keg of beer here: http://www.askuncleralph.com/Life/christmas_party_2002.htm

Some of you have been asking to see what I really look like.  I had so far resisted putting my picture on the site but then my wife said that if any women ever saw my picture on the site that I would scare them away.  This resulted in two days of arguments and a bet.  If I win then I get to watch my tapes of  Jerry Springer for an entire weekend without hearing her complain about it.  If I loose then I have to do dishes one night this month. 

So here is the deal:  Women Only Please <grin>  Take a look at the picture on the “Life in this Grand Trailer Park” section.  http://www.askuncleralph.com/Lifer.htm   There you will see a picture of me.  (Yes, it REALLY is Uncle Ralph)  Then drop me a note at UncleRalph@AskUncleRalph.com and tell me what a handsome sexy devil I am.  I’ll show my wife the thousands of letters that I am expecting and then I will enjoy an entire weekend watching Jerry.

Also, on another note:  

Boseefus, a frequent Uncle Ralph contributor and general Trailer Trash Prince,  sent me a picture of what his parents got him for Christmas.  It’s so pretty I’d thought I’d share it with all of my readers. 

My New Years Resolutions

So keeping with tradition, I have made my New Years resolutions. 

Here they are:

1)  Finally unclog the toilet down the back hall   I know, I made the same resolution last year, but this year I’m really going to do it. I thought for sure that my Uncle Joe would have been back this year so I could make him take a plunger to it and fix his mess.  But Uncle Joe died in March.  If you saw the toilet you’d probably guess how he died.

2)  Meet Jerry Springer.  He is one of my heroes.   We are men of a common mind.  We both can relate to the average man.  The only thing that stops me from declaring him a minor deity is that stupid suit he wears.  Common Jerry, quit putt’in on airs.

Finally, I wish you all a wonderful new year and may all of you upgrade to a doublewide this year

Troubled Teen

Dear Uncle Ralph:

            I met an awesome guy just 2 days ago and I think IM already in love. But, he has been sending me mixed signals. Like, every time I would look up at him, he would be staring at me, and other times he would be checking me out when IM looking at something else. On the other hand while we were together I kept hinting we should see each other without actually saying it, but I don't think he got it because all he suggested was to exchange emails. So Uncle Ralph how can I tell if he likes me? Or better how can I hint to him that I cant stop thinking about him. Now mind you, he is 5 years older than me which makes it a problem, because I am 16 and he's turning 21 next year, IM not quite sure if he cares or not. It doesn't seem like he does. Please help Uncle Ralph I really want this to work out. So if you could give me some tips or any advice.                  

Thanks for your time!                    

-Alyssa

Dear Alyssa,

I don’t often get overly serious but this time I will.  Just for you.  So I want you to listen carefully to what your Uncle Ralph has to say.

Cool your jets!  Now!

5 years is a huge difference at 16.   Even for Trailer Trash.  And two days is not enough time to declare that you are in love.  If he hasn’t made any move in your direction perhaps he has already recognized that he is too old for you now.  (At least for now.)  Hopefully he has.  Do you know the term “Jail Bait”?  In some states the man you love could end up in jail for loving you!  I know it ain’t fair.  I know it sucks.  But that is the way it is.

When you are 18, things will be different.  You will be different and so will he.  Perhaps then, if things are meant to be, things will work out.  But at 16 to too early to be swapping spit with someone 5 years older.  His expectations will be completely different and more adult than yours.  Two years may seem like forever, but baby, it ain’t.  It goes fast.  So for now, just focus on guys closer to your own age and get school over with.

Now, just for you again, I'll tell a secret that I haven’t put on the website yet.  I was 20 when I was married.  My wife was 19.  We have been happily married for 22 years.   It really can work out.  Just remember to never let your heart (or your hormones) take over your head.  You need both.

This may seem harsh and I know it ain’t what you wanted to hear but your o’le Uncle Ralph has seen a lot and really doesn’t want to see you screw it up early in life.

Food Pyramid

Dear uncle Ralph

Can you show me a picture of the food pyramid?

Haile

Dear Haile,

There's a Food Pyramid?   Wow!  Dang!  Holy Cow!

Sorry, I don’t have one but I can imagine what it would be made of.  Pork Rinds and Beef Jerky!  Yes!!!!

Now I know where I want my tomb to be.

Empty Beer Cans

Dear Uncle Ralph,

  When you take empty cans of buckhorn to the recyclin place (so's ya can get some more buckhorn money), what do they do with them there?  Do they wash the cans out and re-use them for selling at nascar-beer drinkin events?

Ricky
 

Dear Ricky,

Did you know that where I live in Michigan, you can actually get 10 cents each for a Buckhorn can?  No kidding.  You just take it to the store, they count them and give you a 10 cent reward each for them.  That’s way cool!  I’ve made a lot of money that way.

I’ve heard that the government takes the cans and runs each of them through DNA testing.  If you drink directly from the can, like most real Americans do, you will leave tiny traces of DNA on it from your lips.  The government takes the DNA and enters it into a huge computer that tracks stuff so that they can keep track of where you are and what your doing.

Think about this:  if you move to Kansas, the Government knows it because they will find your DNA on a can in Kansas.  Everywhere you go, they will know.  

Now there’s a time coming when the government will suspend the US constitution and try to stop us from voting like the Nazi’s did in Germany.  When this happens they will need to arrest all real Americans that would appose this.  So they need to know where all the Trailer Trash beer drinkers are.  

That is why they are tracking us.

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But he should be.

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