July 14, 2002

Needs New Trailer

 Howdy uncle Ralph, 

  A while back when the last tornado came to town, i lost every thing. My riden mower, my dog, my trailer, sence then i have been living with my lover....i meen my cousin....but it isnt goin to work out..what should i be looking for in a new trailer..

 little Jim

Dear Little Jim,

Bummer.  It’s amazing how lovers turn into cousins as soon as you loose a trailer.

Well: it all depends on how much money you have.  If you have a lot of money then of course get a double wide.   If you have just a little money then get something smaller. 

It really is hard to recommend a specific trailer or even a style of trailer since we’re all unique in so many ways.   I may want something I can put high on blocks but you may want something more down to earth.

But since you’ve already lost one trailer to a tornado, I suggest that you not buy anything you’re going to be too attached to.  So I suggest that you buy the oldest trailer that you can get that has a working flush toilet.  That way if another tornado comes, you wont loose so much.  Besides, what makes a good trailer is how creative you are with your lawn ornaments.  You know: fridges, Camaro parts, etc.

See related Poll Question: http://www.askuncleralph.com/Poll.htm?Poll

P.S.: don’t replace the ridding mower: Dang! Talk about things you don’t need.

More Used Panty Advice

Dear Uncle Ralph,

I aint got no question butt wanted Lorelei to know that even the underwears that stick on the wall are still good uns.  I soakem in beer and dish sope then scrape any crusties with a butter nife.  The crums come write off.  Works good and my old man likes the way they smell.

 Rose

Dear Rose,

Thanks for the tip.

However I still say that when your buying used underwear that if you do the “wall test” (throwing it against the wall) and it either sticks or slides down, then they’re TOO USED.

Cousin Wants Mama

Dear Uncle Ralph

Recently my cousin stopped by - drunk again.  Started shooting off his mouth and begin saying that my Mama was sure a good looking woman.  He started to sound a bit like he was trying to get me to hook him up with my Mama.  My  Mama is a 72 year widow and he is 44 and divorced.

I like my cousin but don’t think I could put us with him as my Daddy since I’m two years older.    How can I tell him to leave my Mama alone and not make him mad?  He brings over the good beer a lot of times and I don’t want that to stop.

 Saving Mama.

  Dear Saving Mama,

It appears to me like you’re only thinking of yourself and not about your Mama.  You say that you don’t think that you could put up with your cousin as your Daddy because he is younger than you, but I have to tell you that it happens all the time and these folks are plenty happy.

Did you ever stop to think that the reason he is bring the good beer over is because he is trying to use you to get close to your Mama?  If you discourage that, you may have to go back to Buckhorn beer.

You should find out what your Mama thinks.  Don’t beat around the bush because at her age you may not have much time.  Tell her right up front that your cousin appears to have an interest.  If she does then let it happen on its own.  If she doesn’t then tell your cousin that she has some scabby disease and you don’t expect her to live more than a year.  That usually puts a potential suitor off and you’ll appear to have his be interest at heart and perhaps the beer will keep flowing.

Special Note:

Elvis is Alive!

The results of this week’s poll were so interesting that I thought that I would make special comments.

It appears that Elvis is very much alive and well.

44% of all those that responded have actually seen Elvis!

This scientifically taken poll proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Elvis is doing very well, thank-you-very-much.

I sent THE KING a note showing the results (yes, he is a very good friend of Uncle Ralph) and he was just somewhat disappointed that 17% didn’t even know who he was.  He suggested that he may make a comeback until he numbers are better.  But until then he request that we as members of the trailer trash community do not let the press know since they really wouldn’t understand.  So lets keep all this secret, OK?

____________________________________________________

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