July 28, 2002

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

 Dear Uncle Ralph,

      My wife and i have been having a serious problem over food that falls on the floor.  What are the rules for food falling on the floor? I thought that if you dropped food and picked it up within 10 seconds (or the amount of time it takes to load the shotgun when the bill collectors show up) that it is alright to eat the food.  After 10 seconds of being on the floor, the food is also fair game for the dogs.  She says that you can only give it 3 seconds until it is fair game for the dogs. Who is right?

 Kneel’n fer scraps

Dear Kneel’n

 Much of the correct answer depends on the dog.  If the dog is bigger than you, you better get it off the floor before 3 seconds.  If it’s a little dog, they can’t run as fast so you have a lot more time.

 DOESN’T LIKE QUICK STOP JOB

 Dear Uncle Ralph,

I'm so tired of my job at the quick stop.  Tell me, how do you get one of them good jobs as a greeter at Wal-Mart?

 Tootsie

Dear Tootsie,

 You got a quick stop job and you want to leave it?   Get a grip, sister!  That’s trailer trash heaven.  I’ve tried several times to get a quick stop job but was considered too old.  ( I was offered a greeter job though at Wall-Mart.)

 Wall-Mart would be a great place to work, but at a quick stop you really get excitement!  Where else besides there and the post office can you get shot at routinely?

 Forget the dull life of greeting and enjoy the thrill of dodging bullets and 3 week old hotdogs.

____________________________________________________

 SHE STINKS!

 Dear Uncle Ralph

i gettin hitched to a fat girl.   She stinks.  Anything i could do?

 Donald

Dear Donald,

 Congratulations.  But as for your question, I think you are referring to the fact that she stinks.  This is a normal thing in the trailer trash community.  I’m actually surprised that you noticed. 

 Since you have noticed, however, there are some things that I think you can try.

1)       She will always stink.  (Although “stink” is defined by the nose of the smeller. I know some friends that really dig a ripe scent.)   I suggest that you ask her to take up smoking cigars.  Another suggestion is for you to provide her with a fine bottle of the cheapest perfume that you can get your hands on.  This is often referred to as “Toilet Water”.

2)       If you have running water in your trailer you may suggest that she take a bath.  If you have enough “Toilet Water” she can bath in that.

3)       Gain a scent of your own.  Nothing enhances a new marriage like competitive stink.

  Whatever you choose to do, learn to enjoy it.  Remember that a fine woman can give you pleasure in many ways.  This is just another.

____________________________________________________

 TO APOLOGIZE OR NOT

 Dear Uncle Ralph.

 Thank you for answering my question about cookin turkey franks for Thanksgivin.  I got to thinkin about your absolutely correct answer about women bein in the kitchen when i had me a revelation.  I realized why my wife's feet are smaller than mine.  This lets her stand closer to the sink, stove, and counters when she is in there happily cookin away while I refine my taste budswith a cold brew and scan the T.V. for something good to watch durin' dinner.  Here's my real question.  The other day I was at home by myself watchin rasslin.  Naturally the doors were locked so's the bill collectors couldn't get in.  My wife came home right at the same time my dog was at the back door barkin to be let in.  The wife was mad raisin all sorts of rucuss cuz i apparently didn't get to the door fast enough.  So, i let the dog in first cuz i knew it would shut up the moment I let it in.  Is there anything so wrong with this and should the little lady still be mad at me?  Do i really owe her an appology?

Boseefus

Dear Boseefus,

 Your right about the smaller feet.  This is all part of Gods grand design.

 As for letting the dog in before the wife, remember that a dog can never keep you as warm on cold nights as a nice plump woman.  I think perhaps you made a bad decision.

 You should apologize even if you don’t think you should.  Not just this time, but every time your wife thinks you’re wrong.   This just makes good sense.  You see, Boseefus, a woman will always find something wrong with you.  Its just another part of Gods grand design.  If you apologize early enough and with enough “suck up” you’ll get less grief when its time for her to get you another Buckhorn beer.

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