Uncle Ralph and the

4^th of July

Dear Readers, 

We went to watch the parade and got to see my niece on the Miss Bangor float.  You may remember that she received Second Runner Up in the contest but now she is First Runner Up!  I don’t know exactly what happened but rumors are that the original First Runner Up had to give up her crown.  Something to do with alien abductions or something. 

( Dang! I love Bangor.)

My niece is the cute one in the center.  You can read all about how she got to ride the float here: http://www.askuncleralph.com/Life/beauty_contest.htm

My sister Sharleen was there along with my Mom.  It was good to see them both sober.  I’d show you that picture but they asked me not to.

Saturday night we all went down to the beach of South Haven to watch the fireworks.  On the way my nephew Brad was handing out Uncle Ralph business cards to strangers.  It was fun to see the look on their faces when they read the card.  I actually had to rescue him from taking a beating from some 80 year old grandma that took exception to the suggestion that Brad thought she was trailer trash.  (Get your own free cards here: http://www.askuncleralph.com/Business_cards.htm )

While we waited for the fireworks to start, everyone swam and played in the sand.  I had stopped at a fireworks stand and picked up a smoke bomb earlier in the day.  Paid $2 for it.  Now my experience with smoke bombs is limited to those little ones you light and get a tiny puff of colored smoke.  I lit this thing off at the beach and found out the difference between the small ones and the ones you pay $2 for.  This sucker lasted forever!  People started to scream nice little words at me and threaten to cut off body parts.  Fortunately the smoke was so thick they couldn’t see me.

Brad was out in the lake goofing off when suddenly my sister Sharleen blurts out: “Dang! That boy works fast!”  We look up and there he is sucking face with some chick!  We hadn’t been there but perhaps 20 minutes.  That was fast.  Turns out that this chick was from Kalamazoo and came in for the fireworks too. 

 They met in the lake and decided to lock lips.  I didn’t see him again until well after the fireworks were over and we were back at my mothers trailer.

I hope you all enjoyed your holiday as much as I did.  Monday, you all get to go back to work and I get to go back and see the welfare lady again.  So enjoy.

Buckhorn Makes Women Mean

hey unck,

Red here with a new problem.  Yep Red has a big problem.   here goes. 

howcome alcohol makes women so mean.  And I mean really pissy mean. The worst one of the bunch is my current wife, number six, and right behind her is wife 5, 4,3,2,1, my mother, my sister, my grandmother, and all my girl cousins.  This bunch is okay till the drinking starts and then they get mean quick.  Do you think it would help if they drank also?  Cuz they dont.  They get mean when I drink.  Afew buckhorns and they get uppity and downright mean.  After 12 or 15 buckhorns they really raise hell and threaten to call the law and all.   I am baffled Unck,  what should be done about this major problem        

 R. Neckerson

Hey Red,

Yup.  You obviously have recognized a problem that has plagued men since the Buckhorn Beer was first created.

Women can’t stand to see their men have a good time. 

This is why men invented the neighborhood bar.  You go there, drink a Buckhorn or 20 and have a good time.  The women have no idea you’re having so much fun so they don’t get upset.  Then when you come home, pick up a chocolate bar.  Then your old lady can have her own good time.  You see, Red, men love Buckhorn and women love chocolate.  It’s genetic.  As soon as you learn how to manage the genetics the sooner you’ll be free to enjoy your Buckhorn in peace.

First Baptist Bar & Grill

Dear Uncle Ralph,

   My wife/sister wants me to go to church with her more often.  I would rather stay home and sleep because it's more comfertuble than sleeping in them there hard benches they got.  Here's the thing, right next to our church is a bar and grill.  I was thinking if i burned the church down, the preacher would lighten up on them blue laws a bit.  Especially since the owner of the bar told me the preacher could hold service in the bar.  It would be great,  I mean, that's where all the big sinners are anyways and maybe the preacher would get through to more people.  It's also a good inecnetive to go to this kind of church because most people would rather be in the bar anyways.  Plus, if ya get thirsty, ya don't gotta get up and leave the room to get a drink.  yer already at the bar and the precher don't gotta be interrupted.  Do you think this would be a good idea?  we could call this the First Baptist Bar and Grill.

Boseefus.

Dear Bo,

That might work but remember that Baptist don’t dance.  So you’d have to turn off the Jukebox and keep off the dance floor.

But I like the idea of Dollar Beer Sundays.  You could pass the offering plate around when the service gets started and then again at the end of the service.  By the time the second one comes around no one will remember they already donated.

PS:  Don’t burn the church down.  That really would be bad and you would have to go to jail.   Remember that place?  The place where you can’t get any beer at all. 

An Uncle Ralph Dating Service?

Dear Uncle Ralph,
 

Could you start a dating service for us trailer trash types?  I need to get a good woman to cook for me but they all know me here in Georgia.

Thanks

Little Peter

Dear Peter,

Sucks to be you.  I really don’t think that I want to run a Trailer Trash Dating Service.  I’d have to pre-approve all the pictures of the young ladies before my nephews posted them on line.   My beautiful, talented wonderful wife of 22 years wouldn’t like it and then maybe I’d have to get my own beer.

I do have a suggestion for you though.  Change your name to something that doesn’t contain the word “Little” in it.  Something a little more manly.  Like: Dragon Peter or even Big Peter.  If you like you could even choose an oriental name like: Won Hung Low

That should increase your date potential.

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