July 7, 2002

Elvis Sighting!

Dear Uncle Ralph,

Over the fourth of July holiday, my ol’ lady and I went to South Haven, a small town in Michigan.  On the way down to the fireworks show we saw Elvis.  My wife yelled out “It’s Elvis!”  He turned around and gave her two thumbs ups.  I was gonna kick his butt for coming on to my wife but then I remembered that Elvis knows karate.

I told my friends about seeing Elvis, but they thinks I’m lying.   They say Elvis is dead.  Is Elvis dead?

Josh.

Dear Josh,

Yes, Elvis is alive and well.  I need to give you a bit of history here so please bear with me.  In 1977, Elvis had a drug problem and he knew it.  Being the incredible man he is, he sought help and found a clinic in Kalamazoo Michigan that took him in.  After 3 months he was completely clean and off the drugs.  But he knew that with the life he led it was difficult to remain drug free.  So he decided to drop out of the rat race.

 Having been in the Kalamazoo area the last three months, he became very fond of it and so decided to stay there.  That is the reason that so many Elvis sightings have come from the Kalamazoo area.

 Now as I look at a map, I can see that South Haven Michigan is just west of Kalamazoo.  It makes sense that you would have seen Elvis there.  Even he would enjoy a good fireworks display.

 So count your blessings.  Elvis let you know that it was really him when he gave the two thumbs up to your wife. (This was a secret signal, not a come on.) But lets keep this quiet and not let the press get hold  of this.  We want Elvis to  live quietly in Kalamazoo without being hounded.  (hounded- hound dog.  Pun.  Get it?)

 [Special Note:  We have decided to take a poll to see what percentage of our reader believe that Elvis is still alive.  Please take the poll here:  http://www.askuncleralph.com/Poll.htm]

 By the way:  Elvis lives in a trailer near Kalamazoo.

Off Yonder?

 Dear Uncle Ralph

is it right when somebody askes you where  curly bob's all you can eat BBQ is, and you point and say off yonder?

Little Jim

Dear Little Jim,

Of course.

Off yonder is just slightly more imprecise than “up yonder” but everyone will know what your talking about except the suburbanites.  And I’m bett’in that  ol’ Curly Bob wouldn’t mind a bit if you didn’t send any of them folks up.

Why “Red Neck”?

Dear Uncle Ralph,

 tell me: why do they call them "Red Necks" when all I see when I chase my lousy husband out of the local tavern is a row of white butt cracks sitting on the bar stools?

loretta

Dear Loretta,

Leave it to a woman to notice that.  If you were to ever raise your eyes up and your mind out of the gutter, you would see that their necks really are red.  I doubt, though, a woman of your kind will ever be able to do that.

Panty Crisis

Uncle Ralph,

Help me, Uncle Ralph.  I've been shopping and all I can find is panties labeled  Sunday, Monday, Tuesday Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.  Where can I find them for months January through December instead?

Lorelei

Dear Lorelei,

If you were to go shopping at the Goodwill store you will find them.  But what you’ll discover is that they will have Sunday, Monday etc, crossed out and January, February written in with permanent marker.  You could just as easily do that yourself.

Also, please remember that when buying used underwear to do the “Wall” test.  Before laying your money down, always throw the underwear against the wall.  If it sticks or slides down, they’re TOO used.  Don’t buy them.

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