June-23, 2002

A Midlife Milestone

Dear Uncle Ralph

My wifes last rotton tooth fell out the other day and I am wondering if you have any tips for her.

Stewart

Dear Stewart,

Well, your wife has gotten to be around that age.  You didn't say, but since you said that this was her last tooth I'd bet that she is about 40.  That being the case, the tow of you have a lot of living to do yet together.

So yes, I do have a suggestion.  Have her get a tongue piercing with a stud of some interesting design.   This way at least, when you're feeling amorous, your tongue  will have something interesting to explore when your forced to kiss her.

Lap Dance Dilemma

Uncle Ralph,
  My sister works at the local booby bar.  Is it appropriate for me to buy a lapdance from her in front of everybody or should i spend the extra 5 bucks and and wait 'till we get home so's i can have a better one?

Boseefus
 

Dear Boseefus,

Dang!  What's the matter with your sister?!  The proper thing to do is to buy the lapdance for all of your buddies.  But then if your sister was a proper lady, she would wait till you get home and give you one for free.  This way everyone wins.  You've taken care of your buddies, your sister gets the cash and you get a better private lapdance.

If your sister is too uppity to play by these rules, you should throw her out of the trailer.

 13 and Never Abducted

Dear Uncle Ralph,

I'm 13 and I ain't never been abducted by no aliens.  Every night I go out in the woods - but nuttin.  Both my brother and my sister have.  Even my mom!   She got to talk about it on some TV show.  What can I do?

No space love here,

Roy

Dear  Roy,

Only 13?  Don't rush things.  Every good thing will happen in it's own time.  I wasn't abducted until I was almost 20 so I do understand why you're impatient. 

These aren't things you can rush.  And if you try and make it happen it never will.  So relax!  There are some things you can do to help, though.  First of all, when you are old enough, drive and old Ford truck and if possible in your state, get a three gun rack for the back window.    Second: never wear deodorant.  For some reason aliens are attracted by these two things.

In the meantime, have your Mom and your sister relate the entire story to you with as much detail as possible.  Don't ask your brother to do the same because it will disgust you.

After it finally happens be sure to write back and let me know how it went.

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