Get a Ralph

Hi Uncle Ralph,

 I dont really have a question for ya...Just letting you know i have a great uncle Ralph, My dads name is Ralph as well as my brothers name is Ralph, to top things off...im dating a guy named Ralph i found him in australia of all places. So ladies....if ya wanna great man, found your self a Ralph, everyone should have one!!!

Rachelle

Dear Rachelle,

I showed your letter to my lovely, talented, smart and wonderful wife.  She absolutely agreed with you.   Thank you.

 But for the rest of my lady readers, you should know that a Ralph is a rare find.  They’re all either married or buried.  So if you happen to find one unattached, you better snap him up. You’ll never regret it.

 Trailer Trash Church

Dear Uncle Ralph,
 
It is Sunday and I just went to a new church in this here trailer park community.  It was real neat cuz they didn't pass around that offerin plate like those other churches.  This on is SPONSERED!  Yeah, that's right.  I had commercials.  Like in the front of the pulpit is a sign by the local bowling alley.  It reads:  "This sermon is brought to you by Big Ball Bowling Alley.  We'll keep you out of the gutter!".  And when it came time for that baptisim stuff, the announcer came across the loud speaker and said "This baptisim is brought to you by NesTea.  You take the plunge!"  This was a down right nice church and the commercials were not too many. 
     If you ever get my way I'll take you there so you can see just what a real TT church is like.

Bertha

Dear Bertha,

I kinda like that idea.  So I took your suggestion down to see Preacher.  He laughed.  (First of all he ain’t seen me in 6 months.)  He doesn’t like the idea of the well being of our souls being sponsored by corporations.  He then reminded me that no one is forced to give anything when the offering plate is passed around.  That is between you and God.

This resulted in a long discussion.  Remember when Christmas was about the birthday of Jesus?  Now it’s about buying presents.  And Preacher points out that we never even give presents to the birthday boy.

Oh well.   Now I have guilt.  That will make my lovely, talented, smart and wonderful will happy.  She likes it when I have guilt

Boyfriend Smells Like Funk

Dear Uncle Ralph

My boyfriend smells like funk.  He has strange personal hygiene habits. It is getting ot the point where I don't want to hug him because he transfers his smell to me.  How can I tell him that he needs to do something about it without hurting his feelings?
 

Tina X

Dear Tina,

You can do one of three things. 

1)   Tell him flat out he needs a bath and not to touch you until he does.

2)  Offer to give him a bath.  Scrub him good and then wash his clothes.    You may have to do this once a month weather he needs it or not.

3)  Get with that funky smell yourself.  Your friends may change but those you do have will be genuine Trailer Trash and you will know that they accept you for who you are and not for how you smell.  You’ll learn to ignore the odd looks you get when your out to a fancy dinning place like Wendy’s.

Suzana Looks For Help

Dear Uncle Ralph,
 

Do you know where I can get a free bed at for my son who is 20 months old?

Suzana

Dear Suzana,

While I was out talking to Preacher this week, I showed him your letter.  If you genuinely need help, you should find your local Baptist or other Christian based church and ask them.  Churches usually have access to organizations that provide this type of help.  Often they have people within their congregation that would love to help you personally. 

So I would follow Preachers advice and either give them a call or better yet, stop in and see them.

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