June 30,2002

Abduction Tips

Dear Uncle Ralph

     I  read today about the boy who was 13 and never been abducted.  My neighbor had that problem when he was a kid.  He fixed his problem with 1 real easy fixin.  He bought an old satelite dish (i don't have to work) and put it on his front lawn.  Now he gets abducted all the time.  He says them aliens look for the satelite cuz it shows how smart he is.

Boseefus
 

Dear Boseefus,

Thanks for the tip.  I was surprised of how many in the community didn't know this. It's also true that the larger the satellite dish, the better your chances are.

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Holiday Turkey

Uncle Ralph,
    My maw says it is innapropriate not to serve a turkey, or Wild Turkey, for dinner during the holidays.  My wife and I just don't see nothin wrong with simplifyin the dinner by grillin turkey franks instead.  Is my maw crazy or does she just need another beer?

Homer
 

Dear Homer,

Fresh turkey is always appropriate.   With the 4'th of July coming up this week, if your 'ol lady wants to cook turkey, let her, even encourage her.

You see, Homer, it is a proven scientific fact that women are genetically predisposed to wanting to be in the kitchen cooking for their men.  So when you encourage her to spend the time cooking a big meal, it makes her feel needed.  Sometimes, though, you may have to even be insistent.  If she says doesn't want to make a big meal, this is often a cry for attention.  If you remain insistent & make a big fuss about making a big meal then she'll have the attention she craves.  So with this being the case, be sure your wife helps your mama.  This will make her feel more loved/needed by her own man.

So enjoy your turkey.  And later, if you want, you can still cook your hotdogs over a fire in the back yard while your mama and your wife is in doing the dishes.

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Getting on The Jerry Springer Show

Dear Uncle Ralph,

I want to be on TV.  I've seen a few of my cousins on the Jerry Springer Show but they wont tell me how to get on.  I think I'm good looking enough, smart and even articulate.   Any tips?

Fancy.

Dear  Fancy,

Well for starters, no one good looking,smart or articulate will ever get on the Jerry Springer show.  That doesn't appear to be what he is about.  First of all the following rules must be strictly adhered to.

1) Be fat.

2) Be Ugly.

3) Your IQ must be below 80.

4) Your mama or you sister must have an affair with your husband or wife.

So from your description of yourself I doubt that you have a chance to get on the Jerry Springer show. 

But perhaps another of our readers may have some advice.  If you do, then I encourage you to send it in to UncleRalph@AskUncleRalph.com.

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