What is a “Grand Think”?

Dear Uncle Ralph,

Every once in a while I try to call my grandfather and he doesn’t answer the phone.  When I ask him where he’s  been, he says he’s been having a “Grand Think”.  When I asked him what that was, he said to ask you to explain it.

Ok.  So what is a “Grand Think”?

Lisa

P.S.  I didn’t know about your website until Grandpa told me about it.  I love it.  Keep up the good work helping people.

Dear Lisa,

Thanks for the kind words.

A “Grand Think” is the time of the day that we sit and ponder things for a while.   Everyone does it.  One of it’s characteristics is the subtle odiferous vapors that arise from it.   This is just one of the byproducts of the “Grand Think” but there are others.  Sometimes you may see some byproducts that resemble corn.  This is normal.

Some people think longer than others.  Some people must work at it and other think in a more loose fashion.   All are acceptable, but all must have their own “Grand Think” in their own style.  

I once heard of a woman that couldn’t think.  This is contrary to nature and she became very ill.  Finally she went to the hospital.  They gave her some things to help her think but all failed.  Finally in desperation, the doctors decided that surgery was necessary and when they told her about it, she became so frightened of the prospect of surgery that she did a month’s worth of thinking all at one time.

It is also a proven fact that men can think better than women.  That’s not a knock against women, it’s just the way God made us.

Some examples of Great Thinkers

• Jeff Foxworthy

• Eddie VanHallen

• Jim Morrison

• Hillery & Bill Clinton (they used to think as one)

 Wedding Etiquette

Dear Uncle Ralph,

I'm getting married soon and I have a wedding ettuquite question.  Is it appropriate to ask that guests bring their own ammunition to the reception?  We're having a skeet shoot and pig pickin' and my uncle likes to shoot up all my fiance's ammo, which gets expensive.  Your advice is appriciated.

Joe Jane Pettirew-Johnson

Dear Joe Jane,

It’s ok to ask the guest to bring their own ammo.  You should, however, provide all of the ammo for the wedding party and the parents of the bride and groom if you know who they are.

Just be sure to provide lots of beer.  Nothing make a party go better than lots of beer and lots of ammo.

Why is Life Unfair?

Dear Uncle Ralph,
 

When my wife and I got divorsed, she got my trailer.  I ain’t been able to get another one so I’ve been staying here at the YMCA.   She also got my ’84 Ford so now I have to walk everywhere.  I had a dog and she got that.  The only thing I got was my clothes and she didn’t even wash them for me.

I had a job but got fired just before my divorse when my boss caught me screwing around with his wife.

So my question is, why is life so unfair?  I’ve lost everything.

On my butt at the YMCA

Butch

Dear Butch,

How are tornados and divorces the same?  Either way someone is going to loose a trailer.

Some people loose everything because of nature.  Fires, tornados, floods and such.

Some people loose everything because they’re stupid.  You fall into this category.  When you have it all, you don’t play around with the bosses wife.

Things can be replaced.  But if you’re stupid, why bother?

Dad Likes His Nose Hair

Dear uncle Ralph

My dad has hair growing out of his nose.  Not just a little bit, but nearly a forest of it.  He actually showed me how he can take a brush to it and comb it out.

I think he should cut it cause it looks gross.  When I told him to, he said that everyman has to have his own style and that this is his.

Is there anything I can do to get him to trim it?

Cutie in Buette.

Dear Cutie,

Everyman does have to have his own style.  If nose hair is his thing, then perhaps you should just accept him as he is.

On the other hand, I also find it gross to see nose hair flapping around with each breath.  So I suggest that you get him a couple of cases of Buckhorn beer and sit his butt down in front of the TV watching NASCAR.  When he passes out, get the scissor and fix your little problem.

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