|
|
The "Dear Abby" For Trailer Trash A bit of humor for the way we live. |
|
|
|
Your Trailer Trash Friends Need Help. Tell A Friend about this site! |
|
|
Mad Redneck
Dear Uncle Ralph,
i live in a rather upscale moble home park. I just moved my new double wide there and took the wheels off. The welcome wagon ladies come by and wuz givin me all these cupons and such, I asked them to sign the petition i started to have the national anthem changed to freebird..
preciate, Red Neckerson
Dear Red,
You’ll find “uppidy” people in every trailer park. For some reason they get it in their minds that they are better than you. When I meet those type of people I just tell them to “fix their own dang Camaro”. They’re always better than us until they need something.
But I admit to being a bit confused here. Why would you be upset at some old welcome lady biddy calling you a “Red Neck”? If trailer trash is to be confused with any other group, I’d rather be called a Redneck. At least they are REAL Americans. Besides, most times you can’t tell the difference between Trailer Trash and Rednecks. By Far, I’d rather be a Redneck than a city boy any day.
Often when someone tries to insult me, I won’t respond directly to the insult. What I do is look them square in the eye and say something like, “I bet you’re wearing pink panties.” This will always throw them off their track. Especially if you say it to anybody over 70.
As for using Freebird as our new national anthem, I kinda like the one we got. But, I am organizing a national convention of the Trailer Trash community to meet in Arkansas. We are expecting a couple of million people to attend. I think what we will do is open the convention with the Star Spangled Banner and follow it directly with everyone singing Freebird. Hope to see you there.
Invited To A Trailer Trash Party
Dear Uncle Ralph,
We have been invited to a trailer trash party this summer and received one of your business cards.
We need to dress the part and need some help for both male and female. Best dress wins a prize. Can you help us?
Thanks From Oregon
Dear Oregon,
It never occurs to me to tell people how to dress so it is something I don’t spend much time thinking about. But, just for you, I peered into the vast reaches of Uncle Ralph’s closet to see what I can see.
For the men.
Cowboy boots are appropriate for any occasion. My boots are several years old and has several patches of black electrical tape. I only wear these on special occasions so if I were going to a party I’d choose them first. My other choice would be my tennis shoes. They used to be white and only recently developed a rip on the side. They looked a lot nicer when I picked them up from Good Will but I think they got a few more months in them.
For pants, I’d just were jeans because I only own jeans. If the party is casual I’d were my cut-offs. But I’d only were my cut-offs if I knew everyone there real well. I like to make a good impression when I meet people for the first time and my skinny, pasty- white knobby knees tends to scare people.
Then for a shirt, I’d wear my favorite beer T-shirt. In my case a Buckhorn shirt. It may be old, patched and stained, but it’s still my favorite.
For special occasions I’d wear my leather vest. But only when it’s more dressy.
Lastly, don’t forget the hat. A NASCAR hat is always good. John Deere also works.
For the Chicks
Since I don’t wear chicks clothing, all I can tell you is what I like.
For foot wear, any type of high heal boot is great!
If you’ve got the legs for it, short shorts or a short leather skirt. (underwear is optional)
For the top, I like to see a little skin on the belly so a tube top or a short blouse is nice. And don’t forget to leave just enough cleavage showing to draw the attention of the “eyes of the guys.” No need to show it all, but if a guy is looking you in the eye when he’s talking to you, then you blew it.
For the hair, what ever. You can were a NASCAR hat if you like. I am a sucker for long hair and I really love pony tails. But most guys will see your cleavage first.
Makeup: No such thing as too much. Remember Tammy Fae Baker? That’s a good foundation.
Note: if you’re over 300 pounds, any tent will do.
So I hope you enjoy your party. Be sure to send me a picture. I’d be there if I could. Sounds like fun.
Dear Uncle Ralph,
I just started dating again since my 3rd divorce. So far I’ve gone out with three women and have never managed to get a second date. The problem is that I fart too much. That wouldn’t be too bad except that these things really reek! Not just a little but enough so that the dog will leave the room.
I’ve tried holding it back but eventually it just sort of pushes it’s way out when I can’t hold it any more.
Is there anything I can do? I’m looking for my next wife and this ain’t helping.
Tom
Dear Tom,
Have I got a solution for you!! I just found this. It happens that I was listing to a morning radio show on WRIF 101.1 in Detroit. This is the Drew and Mike show. They interviewed a guy who makes a pad to absorb the smell of farts. NO KIDDING!! It even has a patent. (U.S. Patent #6,313,371)
You can see their website here: www.Flatd.com
As soon as I heard about it I had to try it, so I ordered one. It’s a Panty Liner for People who fart. (Guys, get over it. Women have been wearing panty liners for years. If they can, we can.)
So I tried it out and had my beautiful wife try the “sniff” test. It works! It still doesn’t do anything for the sound so you have to still try and pinch it down to a SBD if you can.
I now wear it when I go down to see the welfare lady. It’s fun to know you can let one rip and no one will be the wiser.
I haven’t tried it yet with my special bean dip sauce. I still haven’t repainted the bathroom after last year’s episode. Perhaps I’ll make some up this week.
Dear Uncle Ralph,
I know how to get on the Jerry Springer show.
If you are a female being insulted by the self-righteous, Stone Age screams of "HO, HO, HO!", brazen it out by AGREEING with those morons, most of whom are secretly lusting after you. Their chanted abuse is but a cover for their dark desires, so flaunt yourself, baby! Flash your [edited] and wiggle your hips. Run your blood-red talons through your bleached hair and roll your tongue provocatively over your well-glossed lips. That should send 99% of the males into a state of complete frenzy. You have this power over them - USE it!! Let's face it, trailer trash sluts, that's about the ONLY taste of power you will ever get!
Kind regards from Frank.
Dear Frank,
Thanks for the tips.
I think that I’d like to be invited to the Jerry Springer show but I’m not the abusive type. My whole thing is life is to help people. That’s why I spend so much time on the website. Perhaps Jerry would invite me on the show to help people.
Jerry: what do you think? Kinda a Dr. Phil for Trailer Trash?
Uncle Ralph
!!! Special !!!! Want to send an Anonymous "Snail Mail" reprint of an Uncle Ralph Column?
Enjoy The Benefits of Your Own Website Just $10 to get Started
Are you sure you have the best long distance rates for your needs? Click Here and you can know for sure.
What's On This Week On the Jerry Springer Show Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Note: Jerry Springer has not endorsed Uncle Ralph and is not affiliated in any way. But he should be.
Special Note: Not all letters are answered here. Some are answered in the Confidentials section of the free News Letter. Be Sure to sign up.
www.LDFacts.com |
Advertisements
Copyright September 2008 all rights reserved
| |||||||||||||||||
