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The "Dear Abby" For Trailer Trash A bit of humor for the way we live. |
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Drag Queen
Dear Uncle Ralph,
my family and i are originally from an imparvished village in colombia, south america, but now we live in a redneck trailer park in columbia, south carolina. despite being shorter and darker than most of our neighbors, we for the most part have blended in. our only concern, really, is that our son hector has taking up with a 6 foot 3, wild haired dragqueen named candy wrappers who quite often will flit about in the yard while singing song by donna summer or julie andrews. we've casually mentioned to folks around here that candy is our mentally derranged neice up from miami and that she had survived a horrible planecrash. i guess these drunk inbreds in this trailer park will believe anything, but what do you think might happen if candy's wrapper is ever exposed?
Dear Dr,
Welcome Amigo. I’m surprised that your son’s drag queen friend has survived this long. Anyone that sings a Julie Andres song in a trailer park usually doesn’t survive long. Especially in a Redneck Trailer Park!
Like I’ve said many times, trailer trash comes in all kind of races. So don’t be concerned that you are “shorter and darker “ than most of your neighbors. As long as you drink the cheap beer and LOVE NASCAR then you’re in good shape in the Trailer Trash community.
But….
Hanging out with a drag queen can get you shot. So for your son’s safety, hitch up your trailer and move away from the drag queen. If this person is singing Julie Andrew songs, then you’re bound to be found out eventually.
Dear Uncle Ralph,
Dear Ponderin,
You have observed a truism. This has never been scientifically proven, but even to the casual observer it is obvious. It would be interesting to have a real scientific study done on this by a university such as Harvard, so if any of you Harvard rednecks or trailer trash are listening (and you know who you are) I’m sure you could get a Million Dollar federal grant to study this.
P.S. Thanks for the tip on the movie. I’ll check it out.
Hey There Uncle Ralph,
I do um believe that there guy was my brother talking about my sister Gay and her hubby TJ. I had to add they have no runnin water, no telephone, and have a neighbor that drinks Buckhorn beer but she done quit drinkin! She ain't no kind of fun. She ain't even neighborly, and shoots the poor girls dogs with a BB gun just cause they go in her garbage to gets some scraps.
I read what ya said bout the tires, and I have a bunch of em sittin here in my yard. I'm sendin em down to her in hopes it'll help her some. Smilin is right there in NC, but I'll still help her from way up here in Maine.
Thanks again there Uncle Ralph.
A Certifiable Maine-iac
Dear Certifiable,
You’d be surprised how many letters I receive from people believing that they recognize someone in one of my columns. Some weeks I’ll get three or four letters from all over the country suggesting that someone was their sister, mother, brother or neighbor. It just goes to show that we here in the trailer trash community are more alike than you would think.
P.S. I’m sure your sister will enjoy the tires you are sending her. You must be very generous.
Dear Uncle Ralph,
Jus a Trailer Trash School Board Member
Dear Board Member,
Sounds like a good plan to me. You may have a bit of a hard time selling it to the community. Changes are sometime difficult to pass.
So, here is my suggestion: Contact the local Junior Collage. This is where they teach people to be teacher. Since in most schools drivers ed is taught in the summer, you should be able to get a summer intern to teach. The schools will give you a list of resumes. Be sure to get pictures attached with them. Review them carefully. The successful candidate should be 19 years old, long blonde hair, an athletic body and all her teeth. You can then present her to the community as the Drivers/Sex-ed teacher. This should help get the proposal passed.
I would also suggest that this teacher also teach parking techniques at odd hours and in unusual places – such as city parks, behind buildings where the view is obstructed from the street and quiet country roads. You never know when these skills will be needed.
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Copyright September 2008 all rights reserved
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