Looking to Impress

Dear Uncle Ralph

I need your help.  I am desperately trying to enhance my looks to impress my neighbor.  Just to give you a low down on my situation.  I am female, weigh in at about 195 (could be more, I haven't gotten on a scale lately) am 5ft 4. I have no job, have no car, but i have a great personality.  I think the answer to my question is to get a tattoo.  What do you think oh wise one?    Where should i get this tattoo and what do you think the tattoo should be of? 

Wanna be Branded.
 

Dear Wanna Be

You've made a smart choice to add another tattoo. This may be an ideal time to add a little mystery to your relationship with your neighbor.  For someone with your described body type, I would suggest a "Peek-a-boo" tattoo.  This doesn't need to be anything fancy, perhaps a flower, Harley logo or if your feeling a little extra adventurous, a dog taking a leak.  To make it a "Peek-a-boo" tattoo, all you need to do is place it between the rolls of flesh on the belly.  Then to show it off, just spread the rolls.

Your neighbor is sure to be impressed and perhaps amused.  You'll spend hours laughing over it.

Good luck.

Girlfriend  to Attend Wedding

Dear Uncle Ralph,

My boyfriend is getting married.  I think I have the right to attend it.  After all, he is my boyfriend.  But my mom says that I shouldn't cause I'm not the bride.  I don't think this makes a difference.  I heard that they are going to have 10 kegs of beer afterwards and I don't want to miss anything.

Not my wedding in Michigan

Dear Michigan,

Dang!  10 kegs of beer.  Excellent! 

Your mom has no sense of fun.  Go to the wedding and drink the beer.  For grins, be sure to wear the shortest skirt you have.  This should drive the bride nuts.