Planning for the Future

Dear uncle ralph,

   I went to the food stamp place today  and they wouldn't give me any.  They said i had recieved enough.  The laady asked me what i planned to do in the future with my life and what would happen if i was to never get food stamps again.  Well, i told her i planned for my future. I bought two cases of buckhorn beer yesterday instead of one.  This didn't seem to make the ol lady happy. how can i get muh food stamps back?

 Not a stamp collector no more,

Hank

Dear Hank,

You blew it.   You should have been paying off the food stamp lady all along.  You know, take her out for a Buckhorn Beer or the special at an upscale restaurant like Hardies.  These people have a lot of power and know how to use it.  Some times you may even have to be their part time lover to earn your food stamps.  Thank goodness that you have a food tamp LADY rather than a food stamp MAN.

Now you are in recovery mode.  She didn’t like you planning for your future with two cases of Buckhorn because you didn’t invite her to help you drink it.  So here is what you need to do:  go get another 2 or 30 cases of Buckhorn and take them to her.  Mind you that they won’t let you take it on government property so you have to take it to her home.  Call her and tell her that you have beer and want to bring it to her at home.  Sometimes they wont tell you where they live because they want you to have some initiative.  You’ll have to figure out where she lives.  You can do that by either looking her up in the phone book or if you can’t find her there you can always follow her home.

No some may consider this stalking.  But you’re really just trying to deliver the beer.  Once she has enjoyed your beer, she may want to take advantage of your manly skills.  This would be for a good cause so if you are married, just explain to your wife that this is how you are helping to keep her in chocolate and Twinkies.   She understand that you are just doing your job.

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Marry Buddy!

Unc,

I reely need ur help. I cant except that the guy I luv is in love with another gurl. She's a collidge educated Northerner. He tells her he loves her and goes to visit her all the time. I no he wantz to marry her. I have a baby but I don't know if she is his. I trapped him into sleepin wit me but I also tried to trap a guy named Buddy too. What should I do, Uncle Ralph?

 

 Shar

Dear Shar,

Anyone who could love a college-educated northerner can’t be too smart or even trusted.    Let the jerk go, he’s just using you for a little southern comfort or worse yet “free milk and cows”.

I suggest that you marry Buddy.  I know nothing about him but any boy with a name like Buddy is gonna take care of you real good.  At least he’ll keep your car running. 

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First Tattoo

Dear Uncle Ralph,

I am an 18 year old girl, amd I am thinking about getting a tattoo. I have my desing and everything all picked out, but now I just need some advice on the location to put that tattoo. I want to get it on my back up by my shoulder but I'm not sure if thats a good idea or not. I have hurt that it hurts the least there and I have also heard that it hurts a lot there. If you know anything about this subject, if you could please let me know that would be ver helpful. Also if you have any advice about tattoos, that would be great. This is my first tattoo and I am very nervous.

 Thanks.

Katie

Dear Katie,

Wow,  you waited a long time for your first tattoo.  

But I got to ask you a question first:  Who do you love? (or really like a lot)  The reason I ask is that if you want to cement your relationship with this guy, tattoo his name on you.

Any design should have a lot of color.  I’ve seen some recent pictures of Uncle Ralph tattoos.  What an honor, especially where it was placed.

For the pain, take some aspirin or a Buckhorn or 20 before you go it.  It all feels about the same except for the really, really, really tender areas. 

As to where to put it: that depends.

If you’re a skinny chick, just below the bikini line is really cool.

If you’re big busted, then just above the normal bra line.

Behind the shoulders works for everyone.

If you are a GRAND SIZED lady, then you have an even more fun option:  A peek-a-boo tattoo.  What you do is get a small tattoo between the rolls of flab, then you can spread them and say “Peek-A-BOO!”  That is sure to turn any guys head.

Be sure to send me a picture after you get it.

The Donkey Story.

Dear Uncle Ralph,

I’ve got a problem.  It started when I lied to my wife about a woman I knew.  She is a dancer at a local club.  When I was out with my wife at Hardies, she saw me and came over to say hi.  My wife wondered how I knew her.  I told my wife that she was a librarian and that I saw her at the library.  Now my wife has been to the library 3 times and said she that now one there knows who she is.  If my wife finds out that I’ve been to a strip club, she will kick my butt. ( I mean she will REALLY kick my but!  She weighs 200lbs more than me.) 

What Can I do?

Enjoyed the view, but now in trouble.

Dear In Trouble,

I have to tell you this story. (Blatantly copied from I don’t know who)  It’s an old one but really applies in your case so I pass it along.

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried

piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered

up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his

neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to

shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening

and cried horribly.

Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later,

the farmer finally looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw.

With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something

amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors

continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take

a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over

the edge of the well and trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting

out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles

is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not

stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.

2. Free your mind from worries.

3. Live simply.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less.

Enough of that gushy stupid stuff .....

The donkey later came back and kicked THE CRAP out of the farmer who tried

to bury him.

MORAL: WHEN YOU TRY TO COVER YOUR ASS, IT ALWAYS COMES BACK TO GET YOU.

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 http://www.askuncleralph.com/questions.php

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