November 3, 2002 

Changes Weekly!

Too Fat for Friends

Dear Uncle Ralph,

I have no friends cause i am fat! and nobody wants to go out with me.
What should i do?

Oversize Billy

Dear Billy,

In today’s world, appearance is everything.  But I’m betting that you don’t live in a trailer.  You see, in any trailer park in the world the majority of the people are fat.  This is especially true for the women.  There was once a theory that living in a trailer park caused people to become fat but studies have shown that fat people are just attracted to trailers.  There is currently an ongoing study to find out why.  I’ll keep you posted.

During the year I spent living in the big city I found that my kind “just don’t fit in”.  Now mind you, I am not fat.  I am trailer trash.  But I just couldn’t fit in with these people with their pretty lawns and pretty kids and noses stuck so high in the air that if they don’t go indoors when it rains they’ll drown.  I learned my lesson and moved back to the trailer park.

You see, trailer trash people are a much better class of people and it sounds to me like you fit right in.  So my  advice to you is to move into a nice trailer, park an old Chevy on blocks in your front yard and start to live life in a better way.

Secondly, get yourself a good tattoo and a nose ring and I’ll be you have all the dates you can handle.

Good Luck

No Questions Please

Dear Uncle Ralph,
 
Where can i find nudist campgrounds that will not ask me anything and just let me in?

Tiny Tim

Dear Tiny,

By the way you signed your letter I can bet why you don’t want any questions.    I can assure you though that in 99% of all nudist camps no questions on size are asked.

But if you think you may be embarrassed by being the “Thom Thumb” of the camp, you can just romp around the trailer and pretend your at a nudist camp.  Just be sure to draw the curtains because you would really be embarrassed if you were standing naked in front of a window and nobody noticed.

“She Hates Me”

Uncle Ralph,

Hi. I would like you to help me, my girlfriend has broke up with me because i started going out with my cousin Lacy and now she hates me so what should i do please help me uncle ralph!

 

-Doug

Dear Doug,

This is one of the reasons that I always suggest dating outside of the family.  But now you’re stuck.  I hate to give you bad new, but unless your girlfriend is attracted to your cousin then you are S.O.L.

(Sorry, Out of Luck)

So my advice to you is to make the best of it with your cousin, get married and have lots of trailer trash kids.

Where Do Hillbillies Get Computers?

hey Uncle Ralph,

 i am a highly educated ex trailer trash queen. i have a vary good question- how do hillbillies get computers?!!!!!! i use the library computer but where do the other billy bobs go? just a little question.
            -peggy sue

My Dearest Peggy Sue,

Now that I’m rich (because I got my own website), my nephews set me up with my own.  But before that, my nephews would drag me down to the library also.  Most trailer trash, rednecks and hillbillies use the computers at the local library.  Sometimes we even use the one down at the trailer park office while the trailer park manager is out flirting with the residents.

There are always lots of interesting people hanging out down there.  Geeks and trailer trash queens such as your self with a bunch of kids But did you ever notice that in every public library there is always at least one guy there with thick glasses wandering through the isles that you just know will shove his finger up his nose as soon as you turn your back.    ( By the way, that ain’t me. ) Look around next time you are there, you’ll see him.  Give him one of my free business cards so he can get help. [Editors note: http://www.askuncleralph.com/Business_cards.htm]

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