October 13, 2002 

Changes Weekly!

Grocery Shopping

Dear Uncle Ralph,
 
    When walkin in the food section shoppin for groceries at the gas station, if you find a open package of food and you eat it right there, do you still have to give up a food stamp for it? geese, the package was already open and the lady with the mustash said i had to pay for it.  Who was more righter? Me or that there goblin lady who called the law on me?

Hungry

Dear Hungry,

Well, you’ve stumbled into one of the great mysteries of shopping.  You know if it’s open, it can’t be sold so the lady with the mustache has to throw it out anyhow.  But if you decide to be nice and help her out so that she wont have to pick her 300 pounds off of the stool behind the counter by disposing of the un-saleable item for her, you go to jail.  So it’s better not to be nice to the fat goblin lady with the mustache behind the gas station counter.

So the trick is to take the already opened product up to the counter and yell at her for trying to give you food poisoning by attempting to sell you an already opened product.  Tell her that if you get sick by eating anything sold from that store, you will sue.   This will force her to throw the already opened product into the dumpster before anyone else decides to yell at her.  Then you wait until she goes back inside and you pull what you wanted back out of the dumpster.

You do run some risk here.  Chances are pretty good that the “goblin lady” will eat it herself and not just throw it out.

Good Luck.

“I Git Shy”

Deer Uncle Ralph,

 I seam to have dissiblility wen around gurls.  I clam up and git nervoss, and wenever I hav somethin to say to thim, I git shy and turn and walk away.  Wut shood I do?  Peeple say its deepreshin, but I dont no.  Wut do you think?

Cletus

Dear Clet,

I understand why this might be depressing because you can’t get no chicks that way.  But it is something you can learn to work with.

You see, Trailer Trash Chicks love the strong silent type.  That’s because they can’t stand to be interrupted when they are talking.  Which is almost always.  So you really don’t have to speak.  All you have to do is grunt.  And a good grunt is something that can be perfected.  For example if you are asked a question you respond with a nod and a long grunt.  If you point as something you double grunt.    A triple grunt means “Get me another Buckhorn beer, woman.” Or  “Get me some food”   If you a in a loving mood you grunt as low and as long a possible with a big grin on your face.

All Trailer Trash and Redneck women understand the grunt.  You’ll never have to worry about interrupting them and that is something that they really appreciate.  So give this a shot and enjoy all the women you’ll be getting.

Help Naming New Shotgun

Uncle Ralph.
 
 I'm having trouble namin my spankin new 12 gauge winchester automatic shoutgun.  He/she is powerful, men to the birds, yet nice to my shoulder.  I've killed 1 deer, 3 geese and some pesky squirells with it.  Any suggestions

Earl

Dear Earl,

Wow Earl, that’s a tough one.  It will have to be a woman’s name since shotguns are loud like a woman.  I named my first one after my mother, Brunice.  My second one after my first girlfriend, The [expletive deleted by editor].   I even named my muzzle loader Hillary, after Hillary Rodham Clinton (lots of smoke, really loud and kinda ugly).

I think if I had such a nice shotgun such as yours, I name it Faith after Faith Hill because I’d always want to be rubbing it down and keeping it oiled real nice.

Hope this helps

Quit and I’ll Kick Your Butt!

Uncle Ralph

Me been a Marine for a couple of harvest seasons, and me's wantin' ta evict muh-self and take me up some trailer trashin' wayz.  howz come you no suh-dern much bout trashin?  do trailer trashers get chicks?  do me gotta be blood to um ferst?  how many chickins should i trade fer a trailer?  wherezbouts is the bestestes place to set up stakes fer muh trailer?  help

just gettin' goin',
jeebes

Jeebes,

Hold on there, Jar Head!!  You get yourself evicted from the Marine Corp before your time is up and I will personally kick your butt.  You stick it out and do what you are supposed to be doing.  Trailer Trash are real Americans and real Americans don’t want any Jar Head quitter hang’in with them.

This is not the time to try and turn back into a civilian.  You still ain’t caught Bin Ladin and Iraq is giving the U.S. the finger. 

When your enlistment is up, you look me up and I will help you out.  Yes Trailer Trash get LOTS of chicks, mostly some really big ones.  Until then, keep your weapon loaded.  You got a job to do.

Are you sure you have the best long distance rates for your needs? 

Click Here and you can know for sure.

Hit Cow

Fix with Bondo or Duct Tape?

Dear unkle ralf,

I just bought me a pinto from the purtiest junk yard round these parts. I was driven it to the store to get my old man some beer and a dang cow ran out in front of me. I stoped almost fast enuf but i still hit the thang. it put a big ol dent in the bumper. should i bondo it or get me some duck tape? i thank the duck tape is reel purty. witch do you thank i shold do?

pammy sue

Dear Pammy,

Use both.  Duct tape and bondo go real good together.

But I must say that you were very lucky.  Had that cow ran into the back of your Pinto, you could have blown up.

New Feature Life In This Here Grand Trailer Park Thoughts on The Trailer Life Includes Guest Writers   Click Here

What's On This Week On the Jerry Springer Show

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Note: Jerry Springer has not endorsed Uncle Ralph and is not affiliated in any way. 

But he should be.

Special Note:

Not all letters are answered here.  Some are answered in the Confidentials section of the free News Letter.  Be Sure to sign up.

Can't Get Enough of

?

Visit the Archive

Click Here

Need Advice?  Ask Here!

 Click Here

www.SquireLaneWebHosting.com

www.LDFacts.com

Advertisements

Copyright 2009 all rights reserved