October 20, 2002 

Changes Weekly!

Not Running From

“Da Fightin”

[Editors Note:  The following is a follow-up letter from Jeebes.  The original letter can be found at www.askuncleralph.com/archive/Oct-13-2002.htm]

Dear Unc,

Uh think ya twirl'd muh words.  I ain't gonna run from da fightin' and da shootin...what uh mean is that they not gonna let me stay in da Corps on accounta i caint count how many bullets i put in muh gun (them suckers hold a LOT!  like 30 or somethin...) and i aint got but 3 tooths left.  so, i figur i sell muh old dodge, buy me a trailer, and get me some chicks...how many chicks is allowed at a time?  can uh marry me some, but still get more?  how big uh trailer should uh git?  how many Dodge Darts do i gotta have in front of muh trailer before i git to be "trashy?"  when a jahova's witness comes to muh door, is it okey-dokey to answer in muh birthday suit?

Still startin' out
Jeebes

Dear Jeebes

Ah, ok, I’m sorry I misunderstood you Jeebes.  It still really would be a shame to leave the marines when things are starting to get even more worrisome.  Did you know that North Korea has enough s**t to build at least two nukes?  There’s another group of idiots that we sure don’t want to have crap like that.  So do me a personal favor, do your best to stay in.  Some of us are too old to do what you people do so now it’s your turn to take care of the country.

But, to answer your questions:

Don’t sell the ‘ol Dodge yet.  Clean out the Buckhorn & Pabst cans from the back and Bondo up any holes in the floor.  Next visit your local friendly government officials at the Family Independence Agency (FIA) and ask to see my very good friend Doug.  He’s great at passing out tax money and helping former Jar-heads getting into their first trailer.

Now with all that money, get yourself a trailer.  In this case size really does not matter.   Don’t worry if it ain’t got running water or heat.  You wont need water if you got Buckhorn and you wont need heat if you got a big trailer woman.

Now to get the chicks you want, be sure you have a good tattoo.  A USMC tattoo should be perfect.  And the more tattoos the better.  Be sure to get one on the back of the neck and also be sure to tattoo “LOVE” across your knuckles.  This will help you get the chicks.  By the way, try to keep the last three teeth you have. It will give your woman something to explore when kissing.

You can have as many chicks as you want.  I always advise dating outside the family though.  (That means: Keep your hands off your sister.)  Try to avoid getting married.  If you do, your sure to loose your trailer.   Divorce is worse than tornados.  At least with tornados you can save some pieces.   I realize that not everyone knows who their daddy is so your daddy  may not have explained the rules:  Don’t buy the cow if you can get the milk for free.

You don’t have to have a car in the front yard to be a Trasher although it does make a bold statement.  Build up your trash as you can.  You can start with a painted cut out of an fat lady bending over tending her flowers showing her bloomers.  Then move up to an old washer of fridge.

As for your question about answering the door in your birthday suit,

Yes of course it’s ok.  They like that.

Food Pyramid Question

Dear unkle ralf,

Is boogers good for ya? i just started eaten mine and them shore is good. if they are good for ya then what part of the food piramid wood they bee on?

Thanks
Pammy Sue

Dear Pammy Sue,

Boogers are considered a vegetable.  Sometimes they are crisp like a cucumber and other times they are slimy like okra. 

Long term studies at the University of Kentucky ( where they study that kind of thing ) have found no ill effects from booger eating.   Neither have they found any nutrient value.  What they have found is Boogers, although considered a vegetable, can be also be considered a snack food. 

As an aside, the University of Kentucky found that you can become more efficient at booger eating just by snuffing real hard.  That way you can get ‘em before they become to crunchy.

Am I a Sissy?

Dear Uncle Ralph,

    Just cuz my woman can drink more buckhorn than me, does that make me a sissy boy?

    The buckhorn stops here,
Slim

Dear Slim,

No, that doesn’t mean you’re a sissy.  It’s normal for a huge trailer trash woman to be able to consume more beer than her skinny man.  It’s all due to the percentage of alcohol in the body.   If a woman weights 300 pounds and drinks a beer, the percent of alcohol in her body will be less that when her 160 pound man drinks the same amount.   Simple Buckhorn physics. 

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

 Dear Uncle Ralph,

I've been in a 2year relationship with Jane. We have lived tegether off and on in that time.  she has 2 kids from other men.  All we do is fuss and fight .We will break up and get back together all the time. What do I need to do, stay and hope things get better or go my own way?  We say things will be different when we get back together and they are good for a while then go right back to the fighting

Joe

Dear Joe,

Well, that depends on what you want.  If you like to fight then keep doing what your doing.   If you don’t like to fight, then forget hopping things will get better.  They won’t until you change.  You see, I am convinced that the reason men and woman fight is because men are jerks.  We can’t help it.  It’s in our genes.  (And often in our Jeans) 

So if you want to stay, first thing you have to do is to make a commitment to making things right.  Do your best to make her feel like a needed woman by telling her to get you a beer or to do the dishes.   Then say “yes dear” a whole lot. 

If that doesn’t work, throw her out of the trailer and find yourself another toothless wonder.

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Finding A Mate For Dog

Dear Uncle Ralph:

Lately my dog has been frisky and we can not find him a suitable mate.  You have any idea-ers how we can get my 2 legged, one eyed hound a mate. Oh by the way, she also had her tail amputatied this past week. It was a trombosis of the Tail.

Bubba luuuu-eee

Dear Bubba,

No wonder your dog is frisky,  She has nothing left to look forward to.    She doesn’t need a “suitable” mate, she just needs any old dog.  Kinda like people:  The more missing parts you have the less choosy you can be.

Just prop her up in the living room, lure your neighbors dog in and watch nature take it course.  You may have to give your neighbors dog a Buckhorn or two, but if you love your dog, no sacrifice is too big.

What's On This Week On the Jerry Springer Show

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Note: Jerry Springer has not endorsed Uncle Ralph and is not affiliated in any way. 

But he should be.

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