What do Women Really Want?

Dear Uncle Ralph,

What do women really want?

Mike

Dear Mike,

Women want me.   After all, I AM Uncle Ralph.  But since they can’t have me they’ll settle for someone who wants to be like me.

I’m kidding.   Believe it or not, there are actually some women who don’t want me.  That’s Ok.  You can’t expect everyone to have excellent tastes in life.   Fortunately, my wonderful and beautiful wife of 22 years still wants me.  Can you imagine having to live with someone who don’t want you?  I got it good!

But, not having the mind of a woman I decided to ask your question to my wonderful wife since she is a women.  Here is what she said, “ We just want someone to listen to us.”

At least that’s what I think she said.  I hope that helps.

Tobacco Spittin Contest

Dear Uncle Ralph,
 
  I have two questions this week. First, will you sponsor the tobacco spittin contest I plan on holdin next weekend.  Second, have you ever considered a trailer trash personals site?  See, I ain't got no sisters or cousins around and the women around here aren't qualified as decent trailer trash? I think if you would start a dating service kinda site, then I would have an easier time findin me a buckhorn-fetcher.  I would also have a fan in my corner hopin I win the tobacco spittin contest.

Boseefus

Hi Bo,

I’d be glad to sponsor your tobacco spittin contest.  Back in my younger days I could really spit myself so I know how much fun these contest can be.  Champions actually runs in my family.

I once had an Uncle of a third cousin of my niece that was champion of Van Buren County here in Michigan.  Three years running.  He only made it to the state champion once because he would celebrate his county victory so much he would end up in jail during the contest.  The one time he made it to the state championship, he only lost because a freak wind caught him and everything ended up on his face and leather motorcycle jacket.

I am sorry, though, that you don’t have any sisters or cousins where you live.   That does limit your dating potential.  So I’ll tell you what, at the tobacco spittin contest we’ll set up a booth with an easy chair, a TV and a cooler packed with Buckhorn.   We’ll hold a contest to find you a woman.  Who ever can fetch you a Buckhorn in the shortest amount of time can be your date for the contest.   I think you notice that they’ll get prettier as the contest progresses. What do you think?

 Better to Fart in Hardees or Church?

Dear uncle Ralph

I was just wonderin.  Is it worse to fart in Hardees or church?  I was raised to believe that fartin in church was almost expected...  especially in a baptist church that, usually by law, has more old ladies than any other kinda church.  I'm also not talkin about the silent ones.  I'm talkin about the kind that are like the  "morning thunder" ya get after a night of drinkin Buckhorn.

    Paul Boomer

Dear Paul,

My first guess was to say that it is worse to fart in Hardees.  After all, Trailer Trash people go there to enjoy a few moment of fine dinning in peace and thunderous claps of the big cheeks can be somewhat disruptive especially when your trying to impress a date.

But then I bounced your question off of Preacher.   He says you probably shouldn’t do it in either place.  It is better to just step outside if you need to and then let it rip.   I really don’t think that Preacher ever farts so I’m not sure he has any experience at it.

Calling Frazier

Dear Uncle Ralph,

I just got done e-mailing that Frazier place that was in your advice column. 

 [ Editors Note: see http://www.askuncleralph.com/archive/September-21-2003.htm ]

I tried a callen too.  I asked to speak with Frazier like personal  and all they did was to take a phone number down. I had to give them My Granny's phone number though. I don't have a phone. The thing is that Granny now Granny cain't hear to good these days.  So I guess I will just have to be spending the day at Granny's house "at leasten til they call'

When they do call I will drop yu another note and let you know.  I think that is a great idea too.

I mean about the Uncle Ralph on the tele show.

You take care Uncle Ralph

Kathy Sue

Dear Kathy Sue,

The Frazier people ain’t called me yet either.  But hang in there.  You wait by the phone until they do call.  You may be the one person in this great big trailer park we call Earth, to get them to put Uncle Ralph on the Radio where I can help millions of people with their troubles.  Just think, you may have a hand in helping all those people too just by waiting by the phone.

If Granny has a cordless, then be sure you take it with you wherever you go.  Even if it’s just in the bathroom to have a “Grand Think”.  You don’t want to miss that call.

Thanks again, and keep up the good work. 

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