Blissfully Happy With Real Half Brother

Dear Uncle Ralph,

I am at my wits end! For many months, I have been having “relations” with my so called step brother. I have recently found out from my father that Joseph is in fact my real half brother.

As it turns out, my father had an affair with my stepmother many years ago whist still with my mother.

Joseph does not yet know this and we are blissfully happy together,.

Please can you advise on my dilemma.

Hopefully,

Charlene.

Dear Charlene,

Tell Joseph.   This will add a whole ‘nother dimension to your relationship.

There is an old saying in the trailer trash community: “Incest is Best.  Put your brother to the test.”

Violence is Not the Answer
 

Dear Uncle Ralph,
 
hey unkle ralph im about to beat the [ Expletive Deleted ] out of this girl tommorow any suggestions what to hit first? im not that strong...

janice

Dear Janice,

I never advocate violence.  Hurting people is never the solution to your problems.   So I would NEVER advocate hitting her with a baseball bat or beer bottle.   I would NEVER advocate accidentally running up on the sidewalk and hitter her with your car.   And most of all I would never suggest that you cup your hand and smack her across the ear and then bringing it straight down on her nose and then swinging your elbow up under her chin.

No, violence is not the answer.  I would suggest that you talk our your problems.   Tell her that she has made you very angry and you don’t like feeling that way.

I’m sure that this will fix things and she will then want to be your friend.

 Stripping Advice

Dear Uncle Ralph,

 how r u 2day?i rely like ure websit. i ws wundering if u cood tell me if u need kwolifications to get into the streeping  industrie.  I hav been streeping as an amatoor since i was abowt nine. it is my life nd i ws wunderin f there is a competitshon like americin idol onlee for streepers.thank u uncle Ralph - if u help me, i wil streep for u.im a beautiful babe with long blond hair and a tite [word deleted].

 thanks agayn. 

Chanta-Rose (Alabama)

Dear Chant-Rose,

Thanks for the offer to “Streep” for me.   I get a lot of similar offers since, after all, I am Uncle Ralph.

I suggest that you start by seeing your Trailer Park Manager.  He will know where all the strip joints are in your area.  Every Trailer Park Office will have a listing of all local strip joints.

Your Trailer Park Manager will also be able to put in a good word for you at the local clubs.  You’d be surprised how much influence a manager will have.  He can get you started on a great “Streeping” carreer.  Just remember you may have to do a private session for him.  He will be able to provide you with tips on how to perform.  He will also not want to put in a good reference for you at the clubs unless you are truly qualified since a Trailer Park Manager will have to protect his reputation.

So good luck and send me a video.

Marry My Teacher?

Dear Uncle Ralph-

I am a  student. Yep, that's right- a student. I get to go to the local screw-up school cause I got pregnant last year.  But I have a problum. I am in love with my teacher.  He's about 65 and he's jest so damn cute and cuddly! He's ben teching me about sexual education. Now my daddy wants me to marry him. Should I marry Carl, or should I wait until my next birthday (I'll be the big 1-3!) Carl promises he'll help me raise my babies right, even the one he made with me. Is he a catch or what?! French kisses and other things Daddy does to you-

Lacey Lou

 

Dear Lacey Lou,

Dang!  Your about a year too early.   Most states wont let you get married until you are 14.   But you may be an exception.   Mary the old fart.  But first, be sure he has life insurance. – A lot of it.  Because at 65 he’s only got about 7 more years to live.   Then you can get your own double wide.

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