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The "Dear Abby" For Trailer Trash A bit of humor for the way we live. |
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September
1, 2002 Changes Weekly!
Dear Uncle Ralph,
When my Grandpa died ( I think he was my Grandpa, it’s so hard to tell these days) all he left to my Grandma was a big 6 ton dump truck. My Grandma really loved my Grandpa so now she drives this dump truck everywhere because it remind her of him.
Everyone laughs at her when she drives to church or shopping. She’s 77 years old and never wears her teeth. Frankly, I’m embarrassed when I see her driving around and people point and I’ve become known around town as the grandson of the dump truck lady.
Uncle Ralph, how can I get her to park the thing and start driving a nice Camaro or Trans AM or even a nice Ford Truck?
Embarrassed in Dallas.
Dear Embarrassed,
Wow, your Grandma sounds cool. It would even be cooler if she chewed tobacco while driving.
But to answer your question, I think that you should let your Grandma have her fun. At 77 she won’t be around much longer and they won’t let her drive it to the nursing home. Just let her drive your Grandpa’s dump truck and later, when she is gone, the entire town will remember her fondly and how she brightened their day.
Remember, someday you’ll be old. Acting strangely is a right of passage for the geriatrics.
Dear Uncle Ralph,
Please help me understand something. I have three half brothers, and we’re all 9 months apart with different daddies. We all hang out together and have a good time. But my older brother Bill sometimes acts too much like a girl. A week ago we were watching TV and Bobbie ripped a good fart, so the rest of us tried to see who could beat it. But when Bill ripped his, it didn’t sound the same, and he started laughing like a girl. Sometimes, if I hadn’t seen the proof for my self, I would think he was a girl.
How can this be?
Greg.
Dear Greg,
This is one of the things that I’ve never understood either. So I wrote to my good friend Dr. Hyrum Gloster of the Kansas State Institute and asked him. He responded with a 131 page document that I wont bore you with but I will translate and summarize for you.
Your brother inherited the “Sissy Gene”. Dr. Gloster studies this in Kansas apparently because it is so evident there. This gene is recessive until it can pair with another “Sissy Gene”. This pairing occurs most often when brothers mate with sisters or cousins with cousins.
The second recessive gene is the stupid gene. This is most often seen in Arkansas.
Dear Uncle Ralph,
the other day, me, the wife, and all 8 kids was at the local Hardee's restaurant. One of my kids, (i think it was my daughter) started making sounds that we thought were coming from a chain saw. Come to find out, those noises were just social errors. ME and the boys cheered and gave her a high five and "yee-haw." Well, maw said this was inna'proprate for a 15 year old trailer trash princess to do. is she right and were we wrong for cheering her on?
Junior
Dear Junior,
First of all, let me remind our readers that Girls don’t Fart. They Panty Fluff. But, having reminded everyone of this, Harde’s and Wendy’s are a little bit upscale for something like that. So your wife is correct. I think perhaps that you should stay away from the finer restaurants until you can conduct yourself in the manner expected of you in such establishments. Stick with McDonalds, Burger King or Taco Bell where such behavior is common.
(But as an aside, congratulations to your 15 year old daughter. Most people don’t get to the “Chainsaw” level until their early twenties.)
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Dear Uncle Ralph,
Once again, i have a dillema that i need
solved. I gots me a 6-pack of Buckhorn ridin on your answer. As we all know,
the greatest sport in the world, Nascar racing, is broadcast on ESPN. I think
there are two other sports that ESPN needs to show but my neighbors all say that
these two things are not sports. I think they should show Buckhorn drinkin
contests and gas passin' contests. Do these two events actually qualify as
being sports? Lord knows we have contests with them two things around here. It
just ain't right that ESPN won't show them. What do you think?
Dear Monkey,
These sports sound like fun! How about a combo sport like Nascar Beer drinking. Drive really fast while drinking beer. (That might be too regional. Tennessee, would win almost every time since they train their kids early in this.)
So take your six pack and enjoy. I agree that these can be sports and such good sports should be broadcast on ESPN.
Special Note: Not all letters are answered here. Some are answered in the Confidentials section of the free News Letter. Be Sure to sign up.
www.LDFacts.com What's On This Week On the Jerry Springer Show Special Note: DO YOU WANT TO BE ON THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW? A producer of the Jerry Springer show has asked that I provide their toll free number so that the Ask Uncle Ralph readers can call them. Associate Producer Jessica is looking for "Strange or unusual" stories. As we all know, the Trailer Trash Community sure has more than their share! Give her a call. Her number is 888-321-5399.
More info can be found at http://www.jerryspringer.com/guestsearch.asp
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Note: Jerry Springer has not endorsed Uncle Ralph and is not affiliated in any way. He's just too cool not to link to. |
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