Uncle Ralph’s Birthday

Dear Readers,

Well another birthday has come and gone. (September 11^th)   This year my wonderful wife of 22 years and I went out to lunch.  We even splurged a bit and went to a little more upscale restaurant , Arbys. 

I’m officially 43 now.  No large party, this year.   I had to make my self happy with just two cases of Buckhorn Beer and some German Chocolate cake and ice cream.  Did you know that cake and ice cream and beer don’t mix that well? 

I want to thank all of you that sent notes to wish me a happy birthday.   (That is everyone except the one guy that sent me his picture in his birthday suit.)   I really don’t have time to thank you all individually but please accept my heart felt “Thank You” all the same.

Explosion Voids Warranty

Dear Uncle Ralph,

Bout 2 months ago, we got this real expensive stainless steel pot and pan set.  The salesman claimed there was a lifetime warranty on them.  Well last week i was mixin up a batch of stuff to put in a pipe for a mechanic shop that cheated me.  I slipped and the explosion flattened out the sides of the pan were as well as makin a hole in our wall behind the stove.  When I tried to get the pan exchanged at the store, they refused.

My question is, How can I make them give me another pan on the warranty?  Do I have to chance another pan to make some stuff for them?

Okie Jake

Dear Okie,

You’re stuck.  I contacted the manufacture of the pan in question and they gave me a copy of their warranty.  If specifically states that the warranty is considered null and void if you use it to make explosives.

I know it doesn’t seem fair but that’s the way it is.  So grab a hammer and beat the sides back into place.  This pan should still last you for the rest of your life or until you go to prison.  Whichever comes first.

 Air Guitar Talent

Dear uncle Ralph

Momma says I aint got no talent, but I know she is wrong. I am the best air guitar player in the whole trailer park. My question for you is: Do you consider my ability to play air guitar as a talent?
.

Cletus

Dear Clet,

Of course air guitar is a talent!  I’d never argue with my Momma, but yours is wrong on this one.   

No one likes to hear their Momma say they got no talent.   So here is how you fix this little problem.  Pick an afternoon and send your 12 brothers and sisters out to play.   Then start fetching your Momma Buckhorn.  Don’t let her hit the bottom of the can.   After 16 or 17, challenge her to an air guitar contest.   If she ain’t passed out, she’ll think she’s the best there is so she’ll take you up on the challenge.   Put on Leonard Skynard and have at it.  If your as good as you say you are, she’ll bow to your greater talent.

She may not remember the contest the next day, but you will, and next time she says you have no talent, just remember the day you beat her at air guitar.

Redneck Murders   Dear Uncle Ralph,   Why can't redneck murders be solved?   Because all the DNA is the same and there are no dental records!!!   Jane G.   Dear Jane,   Thanks for the joke!   I loved it.   My brother loved it too, but my sister was offended.  They could never agree on anything even before the divorce.    Keep the jokes coming.  I'll print what I can.

Cartoons by Gaspirtz http://www.gaspirtz.com

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