September 22, 2002 

Changes Weekly!

The Root of All Evil

Dear Uncle Ralph,

The local preacher says beer and money are the root of all evil.  He says that beer and money break up marriages...especially when money is used to buy beer.  Is this true.  After watchin all my huntin buddies, I think beer is the reason most marriages happen... and it's the reason for havin kids runnin around the house. Am i right or is the preacher just tryin to keep me from havin fun again?
          Cork screwed again,

           Raymond

Dear Raymond,

I almost never disagree with a preacher.  I figure that they got an inside track.  But , the good book don’t say that the money is the root of all evil. It says that the LOVE of money is the root of all evil.  I know, I checked. 

So this leaves me to wonder, if I love money, but have none, am I still evil or just broke?  Cause if having money is evil then I am a saint.

But the good book does have something to say about beer.  You should look this one up – it’s that important.

Hezekiah 9, verses 1-3

Yea, it is better to drink not the fruit of the hops lest your loins defy thee.  A woman of lesser beauty oft becomes the lust of thy heart and the lust of thy heart begat children.  Again I say to drink not the fruit of the hops and avoid strong drink lest thy children also cometh with lesser beauty and thy sins shall find thee out on the countenance of thy sons.

Let me translate:   Don’t drink Buckhorn (or any other beer).  If you do you’ll end up with an ugly woman and have ugly kids.

I wish I had read this 30 years ago.

So your observation is also correct.  My advice to you is: listen to your preacher.  He knows.

The Butts Of Rushmore

Dear Uncle Ralph

      I actually went to school today. The judge said i had to.  I learned about the presidents faces on mount Rushmore.  On the other side of that mountain, do they have carvings of the presidents butts?
    
 Learnin bout my backyard,

Natasha

Dear Natasha,

Leave it to a girl to wonder about a president’s butt.  So I did a little research and found that the original intent was to also carve the backside of these presidents but when they started they found that there wasn’t enough mountain.  It appears that the butts were just too big.  That is a result of sitting on them too much in the White House.  So all they carved was the front side.

Hope that answers your question.

Silicone Last Forever

Dear Uncle Ralph,
Is it bad to have paid more for your wife's surgical enhancements then ya did for your trailer home?

Calvin

Dear Calvin,

I sense a bit of guilt in your question.  Guilt is sometimes a result of TOO much enjoyment.  Sometimes it a result of buyers remorse.

But remember this.   A trailer is good for just a few years but silicone last forever.

So it appears to me that you have made a wise investment.  

Now be sure to protect your investment.  You should start by tattooing your name on your investment.  Then be sure to polish it every day.  Take some pictures and lock them away.  If your investment ever turns up missing you can bring the pictures out and ask around.  Perhaps someone will have seen them and point you in the right direction to get them back.

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Sacred Bowling Night

Uncle Ralph,

  Why does my old lady always have to bother me on bowling night? I don't bother her during tupper-ware parties.  Isn't bowling time sposta be sacred? dear god, what's this world coming, to?

NOt striking out on bowling night,

Rodney

Dear Rodney,

This has been a problem since the earliest of trailer trash days.  Some women just don’t understand the importance of bowling night.  This seems to be especially true when the woman gets larger and flabbier. 

You can make your point though if you attend one of her Tupper-ware parties.   While there, do all the things a man would do.  Scratch and fart and generally make rude noises and comments.  Instead of just “burping” a Tupper-ware bowl, with a little practice you can make it fart.  You’ll make all the women there very uncomfortable.  When your ‘ol lady yells at you, you can then explain that if she wants to bug you on bowling night and make all your friend uncomfortable, then you can bug her on Tupper-ware nights.

If she doesn’t get the point then these Tupper-ware parties can be a lot of fun.   Remember, just enjoy whatever comes your way.

______________________________________________________

Beer Can Wind Chimes

Dear Uncle Ralph,
 
My husband and my neighbor pick on each other just about everyday. we live in a big trailer park and my husband is always picking on my neighbor about making her a beer can wind chime with fishin string. she laughs about it ,but i think my husband is serious about it. then again my husband is the biggest redneck i've ever met too. do you think he should make one for her?

Sincerely,

Halle

Halle,

My dear friend, in some parts of the country a beer can wind chime is a sign of affection.  If a man gives a woman a beer can wind chime and she actually puts it up, that is a sign of commitment.  When a woman puts one up, its  a way of telling the world “I am spoken for and this is the beer my man drinks.”

It sounds to me that your husband is just doing some Redneck Flirting.  I wouldn’t worry about it unless you actually see one blowing in the wind.  Then kick both their butts

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