Aliens Backs Arnold

Dear Readers,

I gotta tell you, I was very upset.  Even appalled.  Something shocking has happened in California and it falls to me to help save the world.   Again.

This week I hit the grocery store to stock up on Buckhorn.  While waiting in line I spied a national weekly newspaper, the Weekly World News, and the headlines just shouted out at me.   You see, the space Aliens have backed Arnold Schwarzenegger for Governor of California.  There’s even a picture of him on the front cover making buddy buddy with an alien.    I bought the paper and read the article.   It appears that an alien by the name of T’rel has endorsed Arnold for governor of California.  This my friends is just plain wrong and it goes to show you how mistaken the space aliens can be in their politics.

Uncle Ralph Upset about alien endorsing Arnold Schwarzenegger for governor

I have to emphasize that we are sovereign nation.  [Editors note: sovereign is a big word for most of you.  You can interpret it as meaning ‘cool’].   As a sovereign nation, we do not need space aliens meddling in our politics.

So my dear readers, I beg you, contact your space alien friends and tell them to stay out of our politics.  Everyone knows that Gary Coleman is the best option for a state government that has a budget shortfall.  [Editors note: “Shortfall” get it?]

I will be contacting my alien friends this week and asking them to withdraw their endorsement.  I ask you all to do the same.  We need to save California.   Elect Gary Coleman.

Swimming With the Dolphins

Dear Uncle Ralph,

after washing mysel in thee rever, i waz poizoned by thee toksic wayst. i got my arm ampeetated coz of i had dirty blud siknes. i now hav to use a claw. it is lik a nayl.Unkee Ralph - i dnt no how to opun my bottle of Jack Daniels and i hav truble openin my carton of smokes. i cri every nite coz i need a cigorett and a litl nitkap befor i sleeep.my mom sayz that my arm wil b bac wun day and we wil swim wif the dolfins of hevan. wen wil i hav my arum bac agayn?i dont no wen thee dolfins r cumin but i need to no if they pass frew junction city, Kansas. that iz weare i liv.do thee dolfins go on toor?do thay cum throo kansas?how long duz it tayk fore a arum to gro bac?help me Uncle Ralph. Thk u for ure time.

Bubblegum-Lee

Dear Lee,

I’m Sorry.  I checked the NFL schedule for the Dolphins and they ain’t coming anywhere near Kansas.  Not this year.  I’m not sure why you would want to go swimming with them but hey, to each his own.   It just seems like too many men in the pool for my taste.   But perhaps when you get to heaven there will be a really big pool.

Now to open your Jack Daniels, just hold it between your knees and twist the top off with your other hand.  To open your carton of cigarettes, you can use your teeth if you still have them.  Otherwise, hold the carton between your knees and carefully cut the box open with a sharp knife.  Notice I said “carefully” because if you aint careful, don’t plan of having kids.

 

 Unfairly Grounded?

Dear uncle Ralph

Me and my Mamma went to a McDonalds last week and she let out a great big fart.  It made so much noise that people on the other side of the restaurant even clapped for her.  But yesterday, we went to Hardees and I did the same thing.  Now she’s mad at me.  She said that wasn’t very lady like and says I’m grounded.  I don’t think that’s fair.  Her fart was louder than mine.  What do you think?

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

First of all, let me correct you.  Girls don’t fart, they “Panty Fluff”.

Now having said that, there is a big difference between panty fluffing in a McDonalds and panty fluffing in an upscale restaurant like Hardees.  There is a time and place for everything and Hardees is not the place to panty fluff.

So Sarah, your mom is right.  Let your grounding be a lesson learned.

How Old to be Married?

Dear Uncle Ralph,

How long before I can get married?  My Daddy says I can’t get married until I’m at least 16 but I really love Randy.   If I wait too long he may be too old for me since he’s already 48.  Can I get married at 13?  I’m old for my age.

Waiting in Ohio,

Trish

Dear Waiting,

I wasn’t married until I was 20.  I know that seems old to get started but it really has worked out well.  I’m coming up to 23 years of being married now.

13 is too young to get married.  Your Daddy is right, you shouldn’t get married until you are at least 16.  Even then I would wait until I was at least 18.

And Randy sounds too old for you.  There has to be a lot of guys around your trailer park your age.  Go find one of them and pretend to be married.  And while your pretending, you can pretend that the guy is Randy.  Adults do that a lot.  Sometimes I pretend to be married to Brittney Spears.  It can be a lot of fun.

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