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The "Dear Abby" For Trailer Trash A bit of humor for the way we live. |
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Where Were You When The Lights Went Out?
Dear Readers,
So last week I decided to take a vacation. I had saved up enough beer cans to pay for it so off we go to Ohio so we can visit Cedar Point amusement park . We had just checked into our hotel room and was settling down to watch the comedy channel (“2001 – A Space Travesty” was playing) when the lights went out. Now that sucked bad enough but worst of all I was near out of gas in my old Camaro and I was almost out of beer in the cooler.
So after analyzing the severity of the situation I decided to take a chance on the gas and make a mad dash to get some beer. The power had only been out for an hour but I was already too late. Every store had closed up except for one. A little gas station / mini store had a line outside of almost a block and a half of people standing in line. Three people working the store were handing out ice and beer. By the time I got anywhere close to the door they were out of both. So I go back to my little room with no ice, no beer and no bathing suit to cool off in the pool.
I heard stories about all the babies that were born after the 1975 power outage but I doubt that this will the case this time. It was just too hot.
I finally took a pair of my jeans and cut the legs off at the knees and went into the pool anyhow in spite of the posted rules for using the pool.
Some time after midnight the power came back on. A loud cheer went up through the hotel. The air came on and I was finally able to get to sleep.
My beautiful, talented and exceptionally brilliant wife and I got to Cedar Point about 10. The first thing we do is hit a roller coaster. This roller coaster was one of them where you site dangling your feet and it swings you up side down and all around. I think it would have been great except I don’t remember any of it. I apparently passed out on the first big hill. I do remember blacking out. It’s really strange. You notice that your eye site starts going dim and then you get tunnel vision. The next thing I remember is some emergency services dude giving me smelling salt.
I remember seeing on T.V. how fighter pilots will black out when put through high G-Forces. I just never realized that roller coasters would have that much.
So the rest of the afternoon I spent in a hospital. They decided that my blood pressure was too low. That can’t be good. The doctor asked if I had kids. I told him no and she said “Ah, that explains that” and then she left the room. I think she wanted me and my beautiful, talented an wonderful wife to have kids. I think I’ll just stay off of roller coasters.
P.S. Send your own "Power Outage" stories to NoPower@AskUncleRalph.com If we get enough we'll run a special addition.
Fun With TNT
Dear Uncle Ralph,
Bo
Dear Bo,
If you survive the writing of the book, I think you deserve a double wide. Don’t forget to include a chapter on Fishing with TNT.
Dear uncle Ralph,
My husband has cheated on me. I’m really mad at him. I was thinking about telling him that maybe our baby wasn’t his. But he said he was sorry. Do you think I should still tell him or do you think I should still keep it a secret? He takes good care of me and I live in a nice double wide so I don’t want to loose that. My boyfriend wants me to keep it a secret but I think I should tell him. What do you think?
Really Confused
MaLinda
Dear MaLinda,
Dang! Keep it a secret. It’s better for the baby to have a father even if he’s not related by blood.
Then, I want you to loose the boyfriend. Why would you be mad at your old man when you have a boyfriend on the side?
Never do anything that puts your child at risk and a single parent household sucks for the kid. Fix whatever problems you and your husband have and take care of your family.
Do Chinese Eat Dogs?
Dear Uncle Ralph,
Just Wondering in Texas
Dear Just Wondering,
I don’t know for sure. I’ve heard that they do. So not wanting to leave any stone unturned, I walked down to see my neighbor at the end of the street.
Jon Wang is Chinese. His grand parents came to America back in the 30’s. I asked him. He was very touchy about the subject. He even called me a racist. (I never thought I was a racist. I like trailer trash of all kinds even if they are Chinese.) Then he started throwing some good ‘ol American 4 letter words at me.
I finally had to leave before he kicked my butt. (All Chinese know Kung Fu, don’t ya know.) So I never did get the authoritative answer that I wanted. However, while I was there, I did notice that he didn’t have any dogs around like the rest of the trailer park. Coincidence? I think not. So to answer your question: I’m not sure. I positive the French do, though.
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Copyright September 2008 all rights reserved
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