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How
to Keep a Boyfriend
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Dear Uncle Ralph,
My boyfriend and i have been dating for 3 and
half years. This year i started a new job in a town far from home. I usually go
home over the weekends. He has this tendency of not calling me, especially
during the week. I have already spoken to him about it, but he calls for a
certain time and then he stops again. He likes 2 use the excuse that he
sometimes doesn't have money 2 call, which I don't believe. Anyway, we
where together last Saturday and didn't see each other on Sunday. Ever since
Sunday he has not called. What do you think is da problem?
Milly
Norway
Dear Milly,
Well, that could be hard to know. Did you brush your
teeth Saturday? Did you buy him beer? It's really hard to know
what 'da' problem is but it ain't looking good for you just now.
I suggest that you do a couple of things before it's really over.
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Buy a couple of cases of beer (Can you get Buckhorn over
in Norway?) invite him over for Saturday and just get him flat out stupid drunk.
I've no idea if that will help but guys like that a lot. I also
helps if you wear a two piece string bikini while serving him his beer.
Again, I've no idea why, (I really do!) but guys like that a lot.
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Get a tattoo of his name somewhere on your body.
He may be thinking your not serious about him so if'n you get a tattoo of his
name, right about the bikini line, he'll think "Oh! This chick is for
real!" That's what my kid brother did for each of his girlfriends.
Now he's got 17 chick names tattooed on his chest. And right now
he's got 17 with big red 'X's through them. Depending on how you define
success, this has really worked well for him. He's also now single
and I'm sure he'd love to tattoo "Milly" somewhere if it doesn't work out
between you and your boyfriend. (or if'n you not into 45 year old men then
my Nephew Matt is also single again. And he's only 19.)
Well good luck with all that. Be sure to let me
know how that works out for you.
Uncle
Ralph
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40oz
Buckhorn Beer
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Dear Uncle Ralph,
Buckhorn 40 ounce beer. Do you know if
this ever existed or where I can get my hands on an old 40 ounce bottle of
Buckhorn?
Thanks
Michael
Buckhorn 40 oz? Dude! I lay awake a night
just dreaming about getting my hands on 40 oz Buckhorn beers! But
it's unfortunate but Buckhorn didn't do 40's. Even more unfortunate,
I can't find Buckhorn beer anywhere around here any more. (Read:
What
happened to Buckhorn Beer) I blame Obama! I used to
think it was the sphincter pinching Republicans but now I know the truth!
Obama said he was gonna make us all "Share the Wealth" so everyone in the world
starting hording their Buckhorn. Even I was hording my Buckhorn
until I drank all 32 cases one Saturday about 3 months ago. (Special
note to officer Lickowski: The tether is just fine, thank you very much.
And the taser thingy didn't really hurt that much.)
So, even though you can't get Buckhorn Beer any more, you can
still enjoy PBR. So as you can see, there is always hope. And I'm
hoping you'll send me over a case or thirty.
Uncle Ralph
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Friends
With Benefits
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Dear Uncle Ralph,
I used to date a guy, we used to have sex and
everything. He never said I love you. He had a bad experience in the past, he
told me that he will never love again. I fell in love with him. because he
always says to me that he will never love a woman again, made me try to forget
him. I did something wrong, he knows that. he said that he had feelings for me,
but i made him cross that out because of what I did. He will never love me
again. I'm so confused, i feel bad. Please help me, what should i do, to have
him back, to make him fall in love with. If there is no chance at all, you can
tell me so.
Thank you
Sysy
Dear Sysy,
Well there you gone and done it. Had sex with a dude
that said he would never love you. That might have been alright if you
didn't just go ahead and fall in love with him. Geeze!
You could've been just 'friends with benifits'!
But now you're stuck. You want him to fall back in love
with you. Start by re-reading my answer to Milly this week.
Then stop having "sex and everything" with him. The sex thing might
be ok but don't do the "everything" part until you're sure he's back in love
with you. Then you can do the "everything" part until the neighbors
complain.
Uncle Ralph
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This Weeks Joke
Or Is It?
More Jokes |
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So
a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, "Hey, you
wanna hear a redneck story?
"The guy says, "Dude, I'm six feet tall, 210 pounds, an' I'm a
redneck. You see the guy on the other side of you? That there's
Bubba. He's 225 pounds of solid muscle and he's a redneck. And
the boy next to him? Mike's a trucker who weighs 295 and he's a
redneck, too. Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?"
The fella thinks for a moment and says, "Naw, you're right. . .
I'd hate to have to explain it three times!"
More Jokes
The New Diet
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